My God, The Devil and The Nation

There has been quite a fuss with what the "near future" holds. It really sucks when i here anything about the "end of the world." Some people would never get it i suppose. Because when you are just starting to enjoy your life, and you have all your dreams in vision to keep you stronger and happier, it is totally upsetting why people who start these crappy things have done what they did.

                                                                                             

The god i know, does not promote fear to make people do good. And only jerks would like to live in fear. I mean who would want to know when would they exactly die? Even those who are really ill, and at the verge of dying still have a few hopes in their heads that a miracle will intercede what science has dictated.



Here's a link of what i prefer to believe as a god of decision... and i hope instead of relying on one person alone, for the world's salvation, we can all do our share of kindness. And if it is true that some freaky geeks are doing things to ruin other countries, destroy nations and murder the innocent, here's to them "GET A LIFE!!!"



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GOD, THE DEVIL AND BOB                                                

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Misunderstood TV

It's not easy living in a family where your opinions are only good if it doesn't go against the parents. It has always been a struggle to defend the shows you want to watch on TV. One moment your free to surf the remote as you please, the next minute it will be swept off your hands just to be transferred to the news.

I personally have nothing against news, but if you're not in the mood for some twisted truths, huge liars and misery,i suggest you stick with the reruns of FRIENDS or WOW MALI. And my favorite sight would have to be The Simpsons and the Family Guy. Both sound so harmless but if a kid watches it with their parents, im pretty sure the quickest response was to turn it off. I would agree if your kid is like below 10. But other than the freaky way that Itchy and Scratchy torture each other, the words sex and slight curses usually mentioned, there really is nothing to be worried about.

It is made for young adults and adults alike. The humor is based on real life and you would be surprised how you'll find one of the characters actually exist in your family every now and then.
It is a reality check, on how we treat other people. They show how misinformation can mislead people, and teach you more lessons than you'll ever get in watching those stupid documentaries about the "end of the world".

Prince Charming

Just like a usual fairytale of a poor girl falling for a prince, that's how exactly it began. I don't really know him, but when i saw him...it sure felt like prince charming just walked in. He is indeed the owner of the smile that makes me freeze and float in the clouds. The mere sight of him makes me blush and do embarassing things like shaking, when i attempted to serve his drink! and worst? He was with his family...so yeah, i felt like his brothers were laughing inside and his dad is simply smiling while his mom doesn't have any idea that the reason why i spilled some of the coffee on the table is because i get shaky when i try to act normal on what seems to be an obvious case of"kilig".

It has been some time when i last saw Prince Charming, surely i am not the princess he's looking for. Last night thou, was quite a delight. I can hardly remember the details, all i remember is that we were talking about plans of going out while holding hands. It felt so real that when i woke up, i can't stop smiling.

But then, we all know that fairy tales don't exist, and mine didn't even end with a happy ever after. So while the real thing is not here yet, it's good to know that a handsome prince is waiting for me when i sleep

CHASING HAPPY

I

My name is Arbie. It is not my real name, but i chose to be called that name since i decided to become the person i wanted to be. Not everyone knew that i have just made that name up, yet they all seem to believe that the person they are seeing now? Arbie? - is the real person, the real character that they know about. I know i sound confusing, but it's not in a creepy, alien-ish way. I am a real human being, but the point is... there is more to a person than you actually see.

Who would've thought you can name yourself anyway? In my opinion, aside from the name that was given to you by your parents, when you were well... unaware, you should give yourself your name. A name that would reflect the person you know you are... deep inside you... now, and the person that you long to be. Like for instance, you are a very gorgeous girl, at your 20's, single, nice titties, long wavy hair, sexy smile and all that Playboy bunny package, and your name is Maria Lourdes (no offense intended to people with the same name), don't you think you fit to be a "Nicole"? or "Tanya"? or think one word names which would let your lips form into a seductively open pose! Anyway, enough said about the names, this is not about that anyway. This is about my journey. No, i am not a traveler of some sort, like an F.A. or pilot. This is about my journey in getting to the happiness that most girls dream of... the picture perfect life. It could mean a ring on my finger, a child on my lap, or a pair of Manolo's in my closet. The thing is, it should make me say "this is it!". I am in for a tough goal, if ever things won't turn out like a cut out from Good Parenting, or Metro Weddings, at least we'll all have something entertaining to read. And it would be quite a journey.

II

Let me begin the story where i am now. I just turned 26, about to start my 6th job from the time i graduated (i have eliminated those that didn't last three months), i am still living with my parents along with my younger brother who's still in college, and this would be tough to admit...I am not in a relationship. I am single. I don't have a boyfriend.

Like i mentioned earlier, there are some things i don't openly... er... honestly discuss. I have come to convince others, including my self, that i am in a, what Friendster would call, an open relationship or how others would put it, "It's complicated". I guess other's could relate how being single nowadays is not easy to live by or accept. Well, it's not that i am afraid people would think i am an old maid (not that there is something wrong if you decide to be one), I mean i am still on my 20's, but it's more of the fact that i am available at my 20's! Of course you might think, i am just over reacting on not having a boyfriend, but the thing is, the last time i had a real relationship, like something with an actual anniversary date, was when i was still in high school! I was 15! And he was my first, and only, real boyfriend which lasted for only two months, two weeks and two days but has kept my eyes crying like the Iguassu Falls, over a broken heart, for two freaking years!--and since then, all i ever had were platonic relationships, M.U's, O.N.S'sss which lasted for more than a week or a month!, cheaters, liars, stubborn bachelors wanting me yet ending up getting some other girl pregnant, and an overdue mysterious, workaholic, cold, horny, lying maniac who shows up as often as Halley's Comet!

Aw... sometimes i just want to fight this longing thing that i feel, and continue pretending to be this contented unavailable girl. And there are times, I wanted to give in and cry, and shout to the world what a loser i am. A loser for rejecting the fact that i am not loved by this Halley guy that i have fallen in-and-out-and-in love with, that some of my friends still think i am a work in progress, that my "career" is in a horrible shape, that I haven't come close to what my parents expect of me, that i am gaining weight, and that i am enjoying the very fact that i am a non-income generating, fat girl, writer wannabe, and how time flies when my mind focuses on imagining a scene, or in thinking the right words for a story. As Ashton said in one of his movies, "I'd rather do nothing to be happy, than do something i don't love". Which makes me think, what do i really love any way? and does it have to involve putting my whole life on the line? Is it ok to be thinking like a confuzy,wuzzy at the age when i am supposed to be kickin' balls out in a golden egg layin' career?

III

I wasn't always this nega maniac, i was ones a happy girl. I remember how i was always called to be a part of a dance group or the cheering team. I was always a part of the school program, boy did i love all the attention. I grew up knowing that i have talent that a lot people appreciated and that i am in a lot of ways above the ordinary. Things changed when we moved where we are now. Think of living in Manhattan, then moving to hmmm... Burkensville, Maryland formerly known as Blair! Here is where using the English language in conversation would get you in trouble, and where confidence would encourage a very dirty competition. From keeping up with my playmate's Barbie collection, I was then directed to play with goats, geese, pigs and chickens. It is really far from where my parents then worked, so i was left under the care of my then exploring brother and my teenage hormonal sister. Needless to say, i was left with no other choice but to survive on my own and often times, look after my then one year old baby brother.

A lot of things happened on my school years, even more when i got to college. There were a lot of experiences which added layers and layers of doubt and inconsistencies about life, nothing like how i pictured it to be. There were a lot of times when i got bullied.There are indeed a lot of experiences that i wish never would have happened.The good ones were the times when i was "the girl" and when i just twisted things as i wanted it to be. I learned to make my way through and around life.

Although a lot about me has changed, i remember one thing i have always... always...dreamed of becoming. Deep within my heart, i know, that-- is my moment. My heart's desire never changed ever since i was 10, until now. Whenever someone asks me of how i picture my self five...ten years from now? Or what i would really want to do with my life? The picture of me in my perfect life runs in my head like a dream sequence in a movie, something with a Stepford-like effect, but without Glenn Close or the robot thing.

My dream life begins with me on the front garden of a wide white house (wide because instead of having a second floor, it's all wide, for the reason that i hate stairs), watering orchids with different colors, just when the sun begins to shine. And the lawn is like a green matte carpet, which goes so well with the white picket fences. Then my two shitzu puppies run around as my two beautiful children come up front to kiss me goodbye because their school bus has arrived. After that, i come in to help my loving husband with what he needs, like fixing his tie or handing him his keys and then gently kiss him goodbye as he leaves for work. Of course then, i clean up the house, wash the dishes, do all sorts of cooking and all that domestic thingy. There will be times when i have to go to my kids' school to attend PTA meetings, or to participate at Family Days with my good husband. Sometimes, i also imagine my self picking my kids from school on our pick up truck, with our other dog, a Labrador Retriever, then head straight to a nice, secure park...if it is a weekend. At night, i send my kids to bed, read 'em stories and kiss 'em goodnight, then i give my hubby some good ol' fashion or sometimes heart poundin, mind blowin' s-- special lovin' (whew!).

Narrating my special happy picture to some of my closest friends don't always get the dreamy "aaahh..." reaction i was hoping for, it's more of the eye rolling kinda' thing. A lot of them would say that being a home keeper is not an easy job. I don't think it is. I just know that's what i want to do and i can be good at it. Of course, people would always analyze that scenario in all sorts of angles like: it's a wide house, meaning huge lot area and lawn, plus three dogs, orchids, car, school bus which sums up to expensive--and I'll just be a non-earning home based worker. They think i am looking for a rich, handsome husband which is close to Richard Geere in Pretty Woman. Of course i love Edward Mercer, but i know enough that, that man belongs to the renewed hooker from Beverly Hills! I know for a fact that Prince Charming doesn't exist, or if he does, he went really bad after Shrek took over. Wealth comes in different packages. It doesn't mean that although i am dreaming of a wide white house, i didn't contribute anything to have it. Maybe i am a home maker, and a writer... who knows? And also, who would say that looks doesn't matter when it comes to dreaming of "the one"? I think whoever says that must have been really dumped big time, as in zero ego level! or, has totally crushed confidence,to think that they don't deserve someone who is at least,attractive! It's a different case thou if someone ends up with a subjectively attractive person. Please don't get the term "dreaming of ideal" to "actual love" all mixed up.

Welcoming 26

I just turned 26, maybe it's a big fuss for some, but it aint much for me now. I guess it's just that i am not where i planned to be.

First, i would love to thank my friends who greeted me on my special day. It really means a lot to me. As you all know, i am indeed very sensitive whenever my birthday comes, and so i am very thankful for the people who remembered. Thanks to my friend Lora for dinner, the resto experience wasn't all glittery but it was the night i treasured. Thanks for the conversation, same with my friend Mika who stayed with us that night. Thank you for remembering my birthday since you've met me. I would also wanna say thank you to my good friend Marwin, who greeted me in advance, so that in case he forgets on that day, he already did what he can when he remembered it. Thanks to Alden, for the drama greet. He pretended to call me for another reason,but it turns out, he just wanted to greet me too, same with his wife Anna. To all the people who greeted me in friendster, Caryn,and the guys i haven't met personally... thank you. You have touched my heart in ways you can't imagine... (hindi po bastos yun..hehehe)

As my friends would have known by now, my sentiments on this day really gets emphasized, sometimes blown out of proportions. May be it's the same old "alone" drama, but the thing is... it was my thing last year, and it saddens me that it is still the same dang pain! =( Last year, there were no celebrations, because i was horribly ill. And now, we had a family reunion done on my birthday! There are more people around me, and i feel the love but I guess it's just trying to set my expectations low, yet i can't stop my self from wanting to be special to that somebody. I feel so pathetic.

A few months ago, i felt i was losing it. I have made a 360 degree turn, i am quite satisfied, but then i started to feel that i am being left behind. I no longer enjoy clubbing, i don't enjoy alcohol as much, i don't enjoy the night lights, i can't stand the loud music and sometimes, i just zone out my self from conversations i used to enjoy. Maybe i am getting old, or maybe i just saw the beauty of the simplicity of things. I don't feel angry... i don't feel miserable either. I just don't have anything to say. I enjoy being alone. I am in love with a song. And my heart feels pain in a way that it wants to cry but it's too locked up. I want to be alone... away... somewhere, where i am free from any one who would judge me, from rules that don't really matter, from a man who doesn't know my value, from time.

If it would be fair to say everything in my mind right now, i know i would end up hurting. If i could only be selfish... If only i can say what i really mean at that exact moment...If i could only be as insensitive, as inconsiderate... then it would be fair. It's my fault. I have given too much.

I can't tolerate light jokes about me as of the moment. I am really very sensitive. I remember every time i am being called "names", and every time i am in any way being put down.

I need new people.

Tell me it's just a phase...
Tell me it will all be fine...
Tell me to calm down...

then show around...
then i'll be fine.

GOOD EARTH (metrowalk) = BAD DINING EXPERIENCE!!!

I am writing this, fresh from my supposed to be "fun" birthday dinner at Good Earth in Metrowalk. I just can't help but be annoyed on the way the service runs in that place. But to get you in the mood, here's the story:

June 13 2008... pay day friday for some, and for me... the perfect day to have a simple dinner with my close friends Pungpung and Ashley. Friends who i haven't spend quite some time with, since i was busy contemplating on my next career move.
Since my birthday would fall on a tuesday, and they are both busy on that day, plus the fact that i have a family celebration on the weekends... we decided to meet up and dine kanina. And since i love chinese food, we ended up in Good Earth in Metrowalk, thinking that it will give us the right ambiance, good food and good service that will complete the picture.

So there we are, we ordered beef in oyster sauce, broccoli in garlic sauce, dimsum, garlic and plain rice. There was already some confusion with the rice ordering, but never the less, we settled just so we won't spoil the moment. We were catching up with each other's lives and getting on with dinner, then the first "taas kilay" moment happened. My friend Pungpung ordered dimsum, and since she was also enjoying the other dishes, it was understandable how the serving plate was emptied yet there was still dimsum lying on her plate waiting to be dipped on the sauce above the serving plate... and then suddenly, the server took the serving plate with the sauce above it! Again, we did not want to spoil the moment, so we opted to let it pass. But then here goes the female server again, aiming to get the serving plate with the veggies obviously still sitting there! I managed to say "wag muna!" and so she left it there. I was wondering then, if there were other guests waiting to be seated or there were no more available utensils. But clearly, apart from the huge al fresco space, there were still two tables unoccupied on the ground floor and the second floor was totally empty! As if it was not obvious that we were still trying to finish what we ordered, and two cups of rice barely touched, plus the fact that i already sent a signal clearly saying we are not done yet, here goes the server again! This time, she took our plates!!!! Can you believe the arrogance or stupidity of this server!? I mean man! I worked for the F&B industry long enough to know that courtesy is a big part of this game! The three of us were already discussing what just happened, and that we are now in agreement that the service S-U-C-K-S!!! Still, without a spoon or fork left, we just thought that the chopsticks were kinda handy in case we still want to get some pieces of beef and broccoli still lying there, plus the two cups of rice just waiting. But we were already pikon sobra! Just when you thought you had the worst, here comes the server now getting the other serving plate with the beef!!! UTANG NA LOOB!!! My friend Pungpung, now with a very obvious irate tone said "WAIT! WAIT LANG HA!!". I mean come on!Nakaka-badtrip na talaga! What do they want to do with the food ba? And eto pa, the other engot server mistakenly hands another table's bill to us! Di mo tuloy maintindihan kung minamadali kami umalis!!! Sobrang pikon na kami so we asked for the manager.The first manager we spoke with didn't seem to get the gravity of our concern. Parang he just listened, nodded then left...kainis! Totally dissatisfied, i called the attention of the other manager, and told him what happened. I did not want to point out who the stupid server girl was, because i don't want to get any body fired or apprehended, i just told him na that's not the way of doing things. Then my friend Ashley saw the engot server making face pa behind our back, so totally nanggigil na siya and swore she'll make plantsa the server's face! Nakakabad trip di ba!? I told the manager how disappointed i was, because it's my birthday dinner pa naman, then he said "ganon po ba?" then he left, then came back with dessert. Ano ba? Inuubos nga namin yung beef at broccoli ng paunti-unti because we're busog na, then you give us dessert? O sige, given, the intention was nice, kaya lang it did not resolve anything. Feeling ko pa nainsulto ako or something kasi parang he was thinking i wanted dessert kaya kami nag ko-complain! Nakaka bad trip!!!! Tapos, when we were asking for the bill, walang lumalapit... we had to call the other manager's attention again to get it. Wala man lang pagaanticipate ng need. Sobrang insensitive at mind you, sobrang ASSHOLE talaga yung dating nung isang server! I mean, kung wala kayo sa mood mag serve wag kayong pumasok sa ganyang klaseng trabaho! Nakakaasar talaga!

Hindi dapat Good Earth yung ipangalan nila sa establishment, kung ganyan lang din ang pagtatrabaho nila... Ano sa tingin nyo?

SUDDENLY PSYCHO

Baka kasi you're curious why i called my little piece of cyber space "clinically bolera". Let me volunteer the info... i have, for one, worked at different industries. A lot of my friends wonder how i possibly made the jump. That's where the term "bolera" comes in. I am not saying i lied, it's just that i tend to internalize roles that are expected from me on an interview. I am not saying i did it all the time, there were numerous times i faltered... times when i am not totally sold to an idea i am trying to portray. So yeah-- i worked for engineering, wrote for the school paper, i did pay roll, customer service front line, i did a bit of acting for tv and movies, marketing, i managed a modeling agency, sold condominiums, worked for a bank, sold government bonds, treasury bills and insurance, a part time make up artist, part time singer, done my call center stint, worked for a food and beverage industry, managed a cafe' and lastly i got a dip on the I.T. world. Whew!

It's all confusing how i did it. Sometimes i too, am taken away by those. Although, i also have to give credit for some of my connections. That part actually, cuts the game short. To be more effective in a field, there should be no one, as in zero, nada, zilch, no body there that i possibly know. Not that i establish a different character every time, i just feel better when i think i'm gonna start on a clean slate. It feels fresh, because you won't be judged by the mistakes of your past. A lot of people are curious about you... and there are zero backlogs for an unfit character you have so hated. Talk about low expectations! When you start differently, you won't get the same pressures you got.

The biggest down side though is, moving on. I mean, it's not that i think about leaving it intentionally. I just have a short attention span, and i am quick in picking up, so unless i am offered something new or people are really nice, i... jump! I know i am not getting any younger. Sooner or later, i have to settle. I am not a big money fan, or maybe i just don't need it right now. Maybe it will change someday. Maybe fate will intervene. Maybe i should not over analyze things and just do what i see fit.... --- by the way, that's where the word "clinically" comes.

I Prevail!

I'm doing this because during the past days, things that i have fought for have come to be recognized. I almost, totally lost a friend due to the influence of the people she thought was treating her right. It has been a year or a bit more since i last wrote about this, and i am claiming my dignity that was intentionally wrecked by people who were trying to use my behavior to cast a shadow on their rather immoral deeds.

I am talking about the day i got soooo drunk... and the people around me getting "culture shocked" throwing words at me, while one of my then so called "friends" sneak around with some "rural" guy. Unaware of these, i was the center of attention on the provincial event. As any Manila dweller should know, no one is to take anything seriously whenever there is alcohol involved. So my free-spirited self enjoyed and mingled with the natives, being aware enough to hide my usually "bastos" self. I know for a fact that no green joke was launched that night. I was comic, yes! And i did passed out. But i did not sneaked out to flirt around and eventually answered a booty call!

It is just sad that things had to happen the way they did. I had to draw the line with what i think was unfair and unjust at all extents and being ganged upon. There were sure a lot who took a ride with my suffering. Surely, we must all be wise on whoever we are gonna call our "friends". They may smile with you right now, and be the first to point the finger, but be careful as she points someone, her other hand is creeping on your boyfriend's butt.

For the very few people who stood by my side... thank you. I cannot promise i will not get crazy. But i promise to never touch your guy.

SINO KA DITO? (personalities categorized)

Unang klase ng tao...
"SIMPLE" : sila ang mga taong ang tanging pangarap lang sa buhay ay magkatrabaho ng matino. Mga nagtapos ng pag-aaral, or kundi man, pinangarap na magtapos ng pag-aaral at maging empleyado. Sumasakay sila ng PUJ's, bus at MRT... dagdag gastos ang tingin nila sa pagta-taxi. Typical sunday nila and mag-simba at kung may pera, iikot sa SM kasama ang kapatid or anak or ka-relasyon. Hindi sila malakas tumawa, lalo na kapag hindi pa sya kampante sa kasama nya. Nag babaon sya ng lunch at mahilig sya manood ng telenovela pag nasa bahay na sya.

"PA-SIMPLE" : sila ang mga gaya-gaya sa taong simple. Sinisigaw nilang simple sila pero kapag may mga "sosyal" sa paligid, pilit naman silang nakikisabay. Bihira sila mag-taxi pero feeling nila hindi sila marunong mag-commute. Pero ilang araw bago ang sweldo, nakikisiksik na sila sa MRT with feeling diri na parang never pa sila nakasakay dun at dirty. Pupunta sila sa bar pag may sweldo pero dun sila sa may promo tapos puro sml or rh lang ang order at walang pulutan. Malalakas sila tumawa at ang karaniwang pinagtatawan ay ang mga "pa-simpleng" katulad nila.

"PA-SOSYAL" : sila naman ang mga taong tingin nila sa sarili nila ay angat sa mga taong "simple" at "pa-simple". Nagtataxi sila pag bababa sa lugar na may mga "sosyal". Malakas silang gumimik pero iba ang nagbabayad. Mahilig silang dumikit sa mga "sosyal" dahil akala nila nakakahawa yun. Marami silang "friends" na hindi talaga sila kilala at pipila na lang sa "strbx" para bumili ng frappe kesa ipambili nila ito ng lunch. Malakas sila mag-salita lalo na pag "english" at malakas din sila tumawa lalo na kapag nagpapa"belong". Madalas syang gumamit ng mga salita na hindi nya alam ang ibig sabihin. Wala syang cash. May maxxed out or ma-ma-max out na na credit card at maghihintay sya ng susunod na sweldo bago sya maka-gimik uli.

"SOSYAL" : sila ang mga taong maraming kaibigan. Lagi silang naiimbitahan sa mga event hindi dahil sa mayaman sila, kundi nagdadala sila ng ibang klaseng personalidad pag may party. Malakas ang appeal, laging may gustong kumausap sa kanya, mapagkumbaba sya pero yun nga lang medyo mahilig talaga sya gumimik. Mabilis syang hatakin kung saan at imbitahan kaya karaniwan na may sarili silang sasakyan. Laging may "cash" sa wallet, para sa mga establishments na hindi pa pwede tumanggap ng card, marami syang alam na bagong lugar at marami syang appropriate clothes.

"MAYAMAN" : sila naman ang mga taong nagpapa-"event". Hindi sila kasing "friendly" ng mga "sosyal" kaya naman gusto nilang makipag kaibigan sa mga ito. Karaniwan silang tahimik, mababaw ang kaligayahan at mahirap mahanap. Nahahalo lang sa mga sosyal at simple ang mga pinapakisamahan nila, at madalas na hindi sila nagtatagal sa isang pagdiriwang. Hindi mismo sila ang naglalabas ng cash dahil "pre-arranged" ang kanilang mga lakad. Kung hindi man, meron silang "secretary" na gumagawa ng bayarin para sa kanila.

"LANGAW SA KALABAW" : sila naman ang mga taong maraming pera dahil, a.)matapos ang pagiging pa-sosyal e naka jackpot bigla sila ng malaking halaga, or b.)anak sila ng "mayamang" magulang na binibigay lang sa kanila ang lahat ng layaw nila na wala namang pinagkakatutunan. Karaniwan silang mapang-lait sa kapwa, mapanghusga, at mahirap i-"please". Sila ang mga taong nakakatapos lang ng mga bagay dahil namimigay sila ng pera. Madalas silang lumabas, madalas silang angat sa paningin pero di katulad ng "mayaman", hindi sila kakikitaan ng "finesse". Maaaring may trabaho rin sila, pero karaniwan ay hindi susuma ang kinikita nila sa kanilang mga gastusin.

The Long Line

Growing up, I often envied people who got where they want to go at such an early stage in life. It comes to them with such ease, so much that there is a turning point where these gifts end up being neglected. At some point in my life, I felt like my role was to be the one to acknowledge the neglected for the people I know.

As far as I can remember, I have a clear vision of what I really want to attain…what I want to become, how to reach it and how I want it to end up. All I want is to become a wife and a mother. ---- This, sounds simple…very true to the sense of it. But at this day and age, you can’t go to your parents and say, “Mom, I just want to get married and have kids”, especially when while you were growing up you had such variety of spunkiness and talent which to them is translated as “the bright future ahead” and the fact that there is the wild goose chase between you and the better specie, plus the fact that you are aiming for the compatible genes. And so, the race is on! The continuous aim to be on upper level if not the top of your class is like an ice brick on my head. I don’t look the part I believe; people around me would never agree that I ever had cold feet. To them, I am the “representative”… the impromptu person you can depend on, to do whatever is needed, like a genie to grant their every wish. It felt like a “no choice” role I had to live by. And I did it. But then, when I think of what I wanted to really have, these things had nothing to do with it.

Then it started to feel like a forced responsibility. Why? Because it wasn’t pleasing me. Later on, things I wanted to achieve became shadows…it felt so close but I can’t reach it. I am being punished for things I am not responsible for. Take participating in my college graduation as an example, I was forced to become a summer graduate only because of the registrar’s staff failed to include one stupid subject on my final term, thus making me take it on summer instead…and the only question in my head? Why me?

Fine…It might just have been a bad episode in my life, and things would only get better. I was so willing to move on. I landed a good job…it didn’t last. One thing lead to another, I met new people… I had my share of fun… and with all of these, still… I wake up in the middle of the night, finding myself in my old bed, now in a job which makes me sick, 25, boyfriendless, prospectless, tired and just a pinky away of giving up my heart’s desire, asking myself… “Where do I start? How can I ever get there?”

I have so read a bunch of articles, books, blogs, guides, laws about getting this happy life. Believe me, it made my brain get f*cked up at some point. I spent quite an investment searching for the best books to influence me, only to find out that “I AM” already doing what is in it. Nothing new.

Now I can’t help but ask, “Is this how things should really be?” I mean, you get a job to help you get across life…at least that was my thinking. Talent is already subjective, unless of course you are capable of voicing out eight octaves and reach your foot to your ear while standing (whew!). I can’t even pin point anybody I know who is a regular person (and by saying regular person, a college grad of zero connections), who was able to get into the industry he or she has been eyeing for, even if yes, he or she has a talent for it! I remember at one of my attempts to get into the movie industry, I was asked by the daughter of the queen flower, “masscom…so what do you think you can do here?....to tell you honestly, I don’t know what’s your contribution in this industry…” and who do you want to be here? The talentless wipe-asses you have right now? No wonder you had to come up with sequels every darn film festival…cuz you are running out of fresh ideas! (Of course I did not say that…but what am saying is…can’t you just test how creative I can get and not insult me for the course I took?). Then I found out, a company has a non degree holder in their staff… slowly rising the ranks only because she is some person’s niece. Now you tell me, how do you expect me to fight it?

I can go on yacking on the system we are made to believe as the better way. I could just wish there is a justification for all of these.

Moving on… last Saturday night was quite a thing to think about for me. Again, feeling like asking myself the question “why do things have to get difficult for me?”… I go home everyday, 2 to 3 hours away from work, which I am still getting used to (there is no way you can get used to it…it is really a pain on the neck), and as if it is not difficult enough, I found myself looking at the longest line I have ever seen leading to the jeepney terminal I am about to go to.. and when I say the longest line, I mean it looked like a line going to the WOWOWEE studio! So yes, for a jeepney terminal? That is a horrible sight! On a situation like that, there is no way to feel better except if you feel like challenging your patience. And so I did… As I was standing at the end of the line, I noticed, there is a discrepancy of 30 to 45 minutes before the next jeepney arrives. And as I estimated my position with the time I have which is 7:30pm, I’ll be home by 3am…not bad! Considering I have to get up 3am the next day and leave the house at 4 so I can be at work by 6am! (gosh, the last two lines are full of sarcasm!). I had to think of some other way. I then decided to take a shot on another jeepney terminal which is about six blocks away. It would be a long walk… (so no! I decided to take another jeep going to the next terminal… am not much of the hero that you think) and to my surprise, the line there was worse! It reached the hi-way! For crying out loud!!! Frustration galore!! Then I felt tears trying to go to the side of my eyes, but I resisted. I want to test my patience. It was late, drizzling, we were lining up at the market place and people were already getting weird. They mobbed a cab, trying to fit eight people in it so they can have a smaller share with the fare meter, men flock empty trucks going to my town…street vendors went crazy because of the long thick commuter line blocking their stores (which by the way they don’t rent, and it’s as if we enjoy standing there!? Hello!), total strangers are already talking to each other….it felt like I was walking on a march leading to the next EDSA Revolution!

At 9pm, still no where near salvation, I started to feel numbness on my legs, my tummy’s sending me a signal that I need food, I’m parched, I got sniffles (it’s three weeks overdue), I am shivering… I am tired. Then I had to let the tears fall. I found myself crying on the line. Then I started feeling pity for myself… “why do these things happen to me?” I already had thoughts of really breaking down right there and then. But I have to get through this. And after what seemed like forever, it was my turn to ride. The wooden seats covered with fake leather never felt so comfortable! I was crying when my painful back finally got a rest… people were smiling at me, smiling at each other, thanking God, breathing on a steady relaxed pace and closed their eyes to rest. Right there and then, there was one thing I felt that was so clear… fulfillment. Not because I was finally on my way home, but because I proved to myself, I can do it. That after the pain, there is salvation.

I am now wondering, where could I be in the line right now? Am I even in it? How will I know if I reached the end? I guess I’ll feel the same way like when I got in the jeepney. That experience made me think of a lot of things. I took the test, I passed and I am home. For how long could my line be in getting to my heart’s desire remains unknown, I just do hope I am in the line leading to it.

I'M THE ONE WHO LOVES YOU LATELY

My latest addiction... my refuge... thanks for always being at 7-11 when i need you. Thank you for always taking away my pain. Thank you for spicing my life. Thank you for the warmth. Thank you for teaching me to become patient...at least for 5minutes. Thank you for not having second thoughts when i want to take you home, take you to work or wherever my urge comes. Thank you for wetting my lips, you make me teary eyed sometimes...but it's all worth it. Thank you for waiting there and allow only me to unwrap you...you always make me feel that you are only for me... There are still things i cannot understand about you,specially if i'll just look at you from the outside, I hope to learn someday..but now, i hope i've been doing you right. Thank you for the variety... you surprise me with something new...every month or two... =) thanks for making me happy..

PS: I love you too!

Di mo lang alam? o di ko lang alam?

(inspired by UpDharmaDown's "OO")

Para sa taong matagal ko nang hinihintay pero hindi ko nakikita. Nakita man pero hindi namalayan. Nakakatawang isipin na kahit ganito na ako katanda, naniniwala pa rin ako na meron talagang tao na dadating para maging "leading man" ko sa totoong buhay. Ang tanong... nasaan ka?

Isa ka ba sa mga nakakabanggaan ko ng siko sa MRT?

Isa ka ba sa mga sumilip na sa profile ko dito sa Friendster?

Nagkita na ba tayo pero hindi nagpansinan?

Isa ka bang doctor,engineer,lawyer,businessman,sales person,ahente,operator,driver,waiter,nerd, psychic,bum,babaero,pankista,sugarol,panadero,mag-aareglo o baka naman nasa langit ka na?

Matagal na ba tayong nagkakasalubong at nagkukunwari ka lang na ayaw mo ko tignan kahit na kinakalabit na ng amoy ng bagong shampoo kong buhok ang ilong mo?

Nagpa-cute na ba ko sayo? Inimbitahan kang lumabas? Mag-kape?

Niyaya mo na ba akong lumabas? Pinadalhan ng forwarded na text message na kapag hindi ko ipinasa sa isang daang tao sa loob ng isang oras e mamamatay ako bukas o kahit kailan hinding hindi na ako yayaman?

Tinitignan mo ba ako sa malayo at iniisip mo na balang araw matatanggal din ang pagka manhid ko at mararamdaman ko rin na, ahemm..kinikilig ka pag nakikita mo ko?

Bumibilog ba ang boses mo na parang gusto mong lakasan tuwing nakikita mo ko na kahit hindi ako ang kinakausap mo e gusto mong marinig na may matino kang sasabihin para maisip ko na matalino ka pala? o ako yun?

Minsan mo na bang pinangarap na magkahawak tayo ng kamay habang naglalakad sa Metrowalk, Eastwood, Megamall o kaya Mall of Asia (para mas mahaba ang lalakaran) habang nagtititigan tayo saka mo ko lilinyahan ng "Pagod ka ba?, San mo gusto pumunta?"?

Hiniraman na ba kita ng kahit ano tapos hindi ko binalik,tapos iniisip mo na kaya ko hindi binalik kasi may gusto ako sayo at gagamitin ko iyong "remembrance"? o ikaw ang nanghiram sakin?

Minsan mo na ba akong nakitang umiiyak pero hindi mo ko malapitan para kausapin dahil natatakot ka na itaboy kita o kaya naman ayaw mo malaman ng ibang tao na interisado ka sakin dahil "cool" ang image na pino-project mo?

Nagkataon ba na habang nagse-surf ka sa internet e nabuksan mo ang e-mail ko? Nagte-txt at nagkamali kang number ko ang nasend-an mo?

Nararamdaman mo ba na "okey lang" ako or "pwede" pero wala ka pang sapat na emosyon para masabi mo na gusto mo kong maging syota? ok.. girlfriend?

Isa ka ba sa mga naniniwala na kahit luko loko ako, maingay, malakas uminom, mahilig gumimik, nagsusuot ng maiikling damit at kung minsan saksakan ng arte, e magiging mabuti akong ina sa pupwedeng maging anak natin? At kaya ayaw mo akong diskartehan, iniisip mo na sobrang magkaiba tayo kaya hinihintay mo na magsawa muna ako sa pinaggagagawa ko?

Malungkot ka rin ba ngayon? Na kahit maraming babae na nakapalibot sayo, hindi mo maintindihan kung bakit ni-isa sa kanila walang tumatagos sa puso mo para masabi mo na "this is it"?

Tumitingin ka rin ba sa langit twing gabi,bumubulong sa hangin ng "good night" sa babaeng hindi mo pa rin nakikilala?

May girlfriend ka ba ngayon? Boyfriend? (wag naman sana)

Hinahanap din kita. Hinihintay. Nangangarap na sana magkasama tayo. Wala ka pa ngalang muka sa pangarap ko. Hindi ako manghuhula.. hindi kita makita. Kakahintay ko sayo, madalas ako malinlang. Sa tuwing may dumadating, akala ko, ikaw sila.. sorry. Natatakot lang naman ako na baka ikaw na pala yung kaharap ko saka pa kita tratuhin ng hindi maganda.. naiintindihan mo? Hindi mo pa siguro alam ngayon na ikaw..hindi ko man alam na ako.. pero sana pag dumating ang panahon..maging maayos.

Excited nako! =)

at kahit wala ka pang pangalan...

I Love You!

TEXT CHARACTERS...wag na pa-cute please

Dyoske naman...so technology is really in. Uso na ang texting at na-out na unti unti ang mga love letters na noong araw (syet,matanda na ko..) pinagaaksayahan pa ng panahon kung paano ang magandang fold. (hai..) Pero hindi porke uso na ang short cut at massive na pagtitipid e ibig sabihin na hindi na dapat ayusing ang mga techniques involved. So utang na loob, ayusin nyo naman!

1.Never ever greet with "eow.." or "ellow!"..na of course ang ibig sabihin ay hello..pero naman, ano ka?pusa? At sino naman kasi ang may sabi na nakakadagdag ng pogi points ang pagsasalita na para kang retarded? Lalo na sa text! syempre lusot dito kung gurl to gurl and magkausap at kung magjowa na kayo ng ka-txt mo,kasi at least alam mo na tanggap ka na nya kahit na ummm..mongoloid ka, d b?

2.Never start your message with "ano gawa mo?" - e kasi naman, ano nga ba ang pakialam mo at out of nowhere bigla kang magtatanong. ETHICS101: Greet first before you ask any question, so gurls, ok nang pang text sa babaerong boylet ang ganito "Hoy hayup ka,ano nanaman ang pinaggagagawa mo? UWI!!" hehehe.

3.Wag na wag kang magtatanong ng "Uy, y di u reply?" - duh?!tingin mo ba masasagot ka?

4.Never miskol w/in 30 sec. and 30min. after message sent. LOGIC: Bigyan mo naman ng oras para makapagreply yung tinext mo. kasi hindi nya matatapos ang tinatype nya kung tawag ka nang tawag! at kung after 30mins e dedma parin drama ng katxt mo,forget it. Ayaw ka nya kausap or wala na syang pang-text.

5.Make sure na hinding hindi mase-send sa taong pinagchichismisan nyo ng kaibigan mo ang mga panglalait nyo na kino-course thru nyo pa via wireless technology

6.If No.5 happens, kung brave ka, pangatawanan mo na ang na-missent na message. At kung di mo carry, deny to death ang nangyari at immediately,bumili ka ng bagong sim.

7.Paki tigilan na pati ang mga hirit na ganito: "U may not hear from me, u may not see me, but always remember am just here.." - duh?! e ano pa ba ang silbi mo?

8.Utang na loob, kung insomniac kayo, never ever assume na bampira din ang pinaka bago nyong obsession para i-text nyo ng "hi! still up?" ng alas-dos ng madaling araw!!!Tapos magtataka ka pa kung bakit ayaw ka nyang katext!? gagu ka kshe eh...

9.Make sure that you read your message before u send it off. That's actually the advantage of texting, to lessen if not totally eliminate gramatical errors. Of course,hindi kasama spelling dun. Pero kahit gaano kaganda ang intention kung may missing letters/words..panget! eg. "Hi!Have a great.C u sun!" - huh? seriously, naintindihan mo ba ng malinaw yun?

10. Tigilan na ang letter "H". bhaket poh?anoh?akoh? hello! ay nakoh!..yun nah!
AND REMEMBER: AVOID USING ALL CAPS KASI DI BA KAHIT HINDI AKO GALIT FEELING MO NAPAKA HALAGA NITONG PART NA TO DI BA!?

To The Gates of DFA

Sabihin na natin na sa edad kong ito..(ahem..a quarters worth), ngayon ko lang talaga napagdesisyunan na subukan na pumunta sa ibang bansa. Not just because the government here is leading to a blind spot and employment is good only if you're a nocturnal animal, but i am really interested to see other cultures, beautiful places and whatever it can still unfold. So ok, part 1...kumuha ng passport.

Sa araw na yon,nakuha ko rin ang LCR ng birth certificate ko na matagal nang nawawala..at kasalukuyang may hinohostage na isang bus ng mga bata sa tabi ng city hall ng maynila kaya sobrang traffic...(yes, i was there...) I always believed i have a natural sense of direction so i am confident to say na never pa ako naligaw...pwede nga akong maging kartero eh..anyway, so sumakay ako ng jeep mula cthall..pumara ako ng jeep nakalagay DFA..bayad..10 pesos..ibig sabihin malayo..dahil kung malapit lang..7pesos lang. At dahil medyo atat ako,sinubukan kong magtanong sa katapat kong mama..may katabaan,mukang mga 28years old at kulang sa sex life..hahaha..sa may mabini..sabi nya..baba ka na rito..punta ka roxas blvd. malapit na yon lakarin mo na lang. Willing na sana ako bumaba..buti na lang may ale na sumabat at pataray na umepal..sabi nya sa lalaki "ano ka!? ang layo layo nun noh!dun pa yun sa may libertad!..hay naku iha..ako magtuturo sayo kung san ka bababa!"... whew! at na-realize ko na lang na kung sinunod ko yung lalake e malamang,nagmuka na akong taong grasa pagkadating ko ng DFA!

So eto na..pagbaba ko sa kanto, since di ko ugali mamansin...may mamang sumabay sa paglalakad ko (take note: mabilis ako maglakad!)..nagsalita sya..sabi nya "DFA ka rin?", sabi ko "oo"..sabi nya "ako rin eh,mag re-renew ng passport..ikaw?", "mag-aapply"..at sabi nya habang tinuturo ang isang maliit na xerox at photo shop.."kuha ka dyan ng number para di ka pumila nang mahaba".. ako.."?"..at may masungit na babae sa loob,hinihingi yung requirement ko at i-checheck daw..confident naman ako na kumpleto..pinakita ko..sabi ok na daw. binigyan ako ng form..at titignan daw ang litrato ko..pagkakita nung isang lalake sa pic ko..ngumiti sya..parang nag isip ..sabay sabi.."miss,di pwede yung ganitong picture,dapat walang hikaw at walang bangs...".... "ANO!?" haler! nakalagay kaya dun sa sobre na #1 photograph shop sila at tinatanggap yung pic na yun sa DFA..so sabi ko..ok na yun.At gusto pa niya ko pilitin na magpakuha sa kanya kaso tinarayan ko. Naramdaman ata ng kasama nya na wala silang kikitain sakin, bigla syang nagsalita nang.."miss,kuha kayo ng number sa lumang office..sa kabila", "lumang office?"... may isang mama na sumabay sakin at sinabing sya rin daw ay kukuha ng number.medyo malayo na ang nalakad namin kaya nabibwiset na ko..(take note:alas dos ng hapon yon!) sabi ko "lumang opis ng DFA?!"..sabi nya "oo"..at bigla na lang bumulaga ang isang opis na may nakalagay "TRAVELLING AGENCY"..naisip ko..tanga ba tong kasama ko?kaya pagkapasok ko dun sumigaw ako.. "san kukuha ng number?"..may sumagot "walang number"..may babaeng kumaway at pinapunta ko sa lamesa nya,binigyan ako ng form..sinusulatan ko na..kasi nakalagay naman "NOT FOR SALE" so ok lang..mya mya umikot ikot sa akin ang anak nung ale na bata..so nginitian ko..nagkangitian kami..tapos bigla na lang bumulong yung ale.. "miss, travelling agency to...hindi kami DFA..", sinagot ko sya.."salamat..aalis na ko", sabi nya "ok..basta dumirecho ka na lang ha..." Thank God! may angel pa rin ako..so sa kabwisitan ko sa nagattemp na goyoin ako, sa kabilang side ako naglakad pabalik ng DFA...

malapit na ako sa gate,nang may isang mama na naka barong pa na may hawak na istik ang humarang sakin at pilit na sinasabi na iche-check ang dala ko..gaya ng nauna,pinipilit nila na mali ang dala kong picture..anak ng p*ta! tumalikod ako para lumabas pero hinarang ako at sinundot sundot ng istik nya! hinaharang ako! nilampasan ko sya..hinabol habol nya ko..tapos sumigaw sya sa isa pang mas malaking mama na nakabarong.. "sir oh! ayaw magpa-check!"..so eto na ang isa pang mas malaking mama,mukang kontrabida sa pelikula ni vic sotto! sinundot sundot din nya ko ng stick at pilit pinababalik! so sabi ko..bakit ba? sino ba kayo?..sabi nya authorized daw sila ng DFA na mag "screen" ng mga kukuha ng passport.. tinitigan ko sya at ang ID nya..sabi ko...e ano ba yan ID mo photograpy studio lang yan! sabi nya e hindi nga ho e..basta pumasok kayo dun at ipa-screen yang papel nyo! lumakad uli ako..sinundot uli ako ng stick..tinapik ko yung stick nya at sinigawan ko "dun ko sa guard gusto magtanong!" sabay layas..humabol pa sya ng salita "ah ganon!"... pakyu!! ilang hakbang palapit sa guard..may sumigaw pa "tapos na..hindi na magpapapasok..dito na kayo pumila!" so hindi ko pinakinggan..chineck ko muna yung ID ng guard..DFA nakalagay..salamat sa DIyos..at walang ano ano,pinapasok ako ng guard..chineck kung ano ang gagawin ko sa loob..ok na.. at wala pang 30 minutes..nakakuha na ako ng resibo na nakalagay kung kelan makukuha ang passport ko... natapos din...

Lilinawin ko lang...hindi ako galit sa mga taga DFA... ito ay isang warning sa mga pupunta dun..maraming unggoy sa gilid..kasi nung napasok ko yung maliit na opisina sa labas..ang dami dami nilang nauuto...as in! kaya..mag ingat..mag ingat..mag ingat! dumirecho lang sa basketball court sa loob ng DFA at wag mamamansin ng mga taong biglang nagsasalita..