in my head

it gives me chills til today
whenever i remember...
you were everything i ever wanted.
and all i gave you was headache.
i was scared to open up.
and you patiently worked to earn my trust.
i was the drunkard that i am.
and you were there to catch when i falter.
in your eyes i was never stupid.
you were my drinking buddy
my friend and my lover.
and i was your biggest fan.
and fate was not on our side.
i wish i had more time.
i wish you still think of me too.
i wish it's that easy to understand
why these things happen to you and me.
i wish i have half the courage that you have.
i wish i stood by your side.
i wish i did not believe you when you were shooing me away.
i wish... in some other life time.

ps: sira uli yung electric fan ko... pero wala ka na eh :(

Sucks to be :(

been caught up doing things far out different from what you wanted?
not being able to say or do the perfect things at the right time?
worse, not being able to say or do the perfect things at all?

for once in my life i really wanted to be well...that.
but it's hard to coordinate every piece of me and focus my energy to something.
it freaks me out.
i wish i could be sweet.

or that girl...
i wish i could be that normal boring girl sometimes...

oh but i am not.
my bestfriend told me i should accept that.
i am not simple.

i am complex
too complex sometimes i can't even figure my self out.
in my head this is normal.
wanting something but not too much
needing something and needing it bad
but not show how much i'll beg to have it.
i don't beg. is that bad?
when people walk out on me
i don't stop them..that wrong?
when what i need is not available,
i learn not to need it.

like something soo bad but not too much
confusing people when things are getting out of hand...
or so i think.

shit.

im not a mess.
i know that for a fact.
but i am not stable.
at least not my head.

or am i?

i'll give you a chocolate if you understand me.

sedate me.

still chasing happy

doubts drown
take off that frown
live the day
take what you can
open your hands
but don't wear your heart on your sleeve

i just hope
the day comes
someone will see me through
more than my smile
more than the noise i make

i pray there'll be nothing more to fear
that each morning is something to look forward to

My Activity List for 2010

1. Watch URCC Live
2. Watch a live basketball game (think Araneta)
3. Drive on an actual race track
4. No more smoking - check
5. Have a trip out of the country
6. Live near the beach at least for a week
7. Don't eat pork and/or beef every friday
8. Read the bible every night.
9. Spend time with friends at least once a week.
10. Stay home for a whole day at least once a week.
11. Attend chinese new year celebration - check.
12. Make at least one new friend, like a real friend.
13. Vote wisely
14. Find the perfect garden
15. Volunteer to charity
16. Play like a 5-year old girl
17. Take French lessons
18. Master a new gourmet cuisine
19. Bake a damn good cake
20. Do something vain (hahaha this would be easy)

Clinically Bolera: sink or swim

Clinically Bolera: sink or swim

sink or swim

For quite a long time... i am in lo.. ok im in deep shit.

Ok i do..i love.. him.

He turned my world around, showing me things i thought were extinct.

Made me realize chivalry is not yet dead.

Screwed my evil plans of world domination.

Made me decide to stop smoking.

Made me want to stay home on weekends.

Loves me.

And he has a girlfriend...

Over and over i keep on thinking this is wrong.. i better get going. God knows i tried. I try. Everyday.

Until now.

So with the very slight chance, i end up hurting him... i hope he reads this.

Dear Mark,

I am sorry. It pains me more than anything to be here alone somewhere without you. I miss you everyday. I still look at my phone waiting for your name to appear on my inbox or missed calls. I still sometimes sleep in my car because it makes me smile thinking you're with me in it. I wear your shirt when i sleep. I look at your picture everyday. I pray for you at every chance i get to talk to God. I would still sometimes attempt to make a left going to your street but end up making a U. It makes me smile when the priest talks about John the Baptist... it's like hearing your name in church when im with God and i think its His way to brighten my day. I still don't smoke. I can't help but turn my head when i see motocross bikers. I still hear your voice in my head... your weird laugh... and your voice when you sing..hahaha.. (oops..sorry ☺) I will forever miss your hugs and your kiss and will still dream one day i'll find my self in your arms.

I love you. I don't want to mess your life. I don't want to confuse you. Im sorry i don't reply or text as often or i don't reply or text at all. Im sorry i missed your calls. Im sorry i don't hang out anymore. But please know, i die a little each time...

Mahal... *kiss* *kiss* *kiss* *super hug*

Arbie