I
My name is Arbie. It is not my real name, but i chose to be called that name since i decided to become the person i wanted to be. Not everyone knew that i have just made that name up, yet they all seem to believe that the person they are seeing now? Arbie? - is the real person, the real character that they know about. I know i sound confusing, but it's not in a creepy, alien-ish way. I am a real human being, but the point is... there is more to a person than you actually see.Who would've thought you can name yourself anyway? In my opinion, aside from the name that was given to you by your parents, when you were well... unaware, you should give yourself your name. A name that would reflect the person you know you are... deep inside you... now, and the person that you long to be. Like for instance, you are a very gorgeous girl, at your 20's, single, nice titties, long wavy hair, sexy smile and all that Playboy bunny package, and your name is Maria Lourdes (no offense intended to people with the same name), don't you think you fit to be a "Nicole"? or "Tanya"? or think one word names which would let your lips form into a seductively open pose! Anyway, enough said about the names, this is not about that anyway. This is about my journey. No, i am not a traveler of some sort, like an F.A. or pilot. This is about my journey in getting to the happiness that most girls dream of... the picture perfect life. It could mean a ring on my finger, a child on my lap, or a pair of Manolo's in my closet. The thing is, it should make me say "this is it!". I am in for a tough goal, if ever things won't turn out like a cut out from Good Parenting, or Metro Weddings, at least we'll all have something entertaining to read. And it would be quite a journey.
II
Let me begin the story where i am now. I just turned 26, about to start my 6th job from the time i graduated (i have eliminated those that didn't last three months), i am still living with my parents along with my younger brother who's still in college, and this would be tough to admit...I am not in a relationship. I am single. I don't have a boyfriend.
Like i mentioned earlier, there are some things i don't openly... er... honestly discuss. I have come to convince others, including my self, that i am in a, what Friendster would call, an open relationship or how others would put it, "It's complicated". I guess other's could relate how being single nowadays is not easy to live by or accept. Well, it's not that i am afraid people would think i am an old maid (not that there is something wrong if you decide to be one), I mean i am still on my 20's, but it's more of the fact that i am available at my 20's! Of course you might think, i am just over reacting on not having a boyfriend, but the thing is, the last time i had a real relationship, like something with an actual anniversary date, was when i was still in high school! I was 15! And he was my first, and only, real boyfriend which lasted for only two months, two weeks and two days but has kept my eyes crying like the Iguassu Falls, over a broken heart, for two freaking years!--and since then, all i ever had were platonic relationships, M.U's, O.N.S'sss which lasted for more than a week or a month!, cheaters, liars, stubborn bachelors wanting me yet ending up getting some other girl pregnant, and an overdue mysterious, workaholic, cold, horny, lying maniac who shows up as often as Halley's Comet!
Aw... sometimes i just want to fight this longing thing that i feel, and continue pretending to be this contented unavailable girl. And there are times, I wanted to give in and cry, and shout to the world what a loser i am. A loser for rejecting the fact that i am not loved by this Halley guy that i have fallen in-and-out-and-in love with, that some of my friends still think i am a work in progress, that my "career" is in a horrible shape, that I haven't come close to what my parents expect of me, that i am gaining weight, and that i am enjoying the very fact that i am a non-income generating, fat girl, writer wannabe, and how time flies when my mind focuses on imagining a scene, or in thinking the right words for a story. As Ashton said in one of his movies, "I'd rather do nothing to be happy, than do something i don't love". Which makes me think, what do i really love any way? and does it have to involve putting my whole life on the line? Is it ok to be thinking like a confuzy,wuzzy at the age when i am supposed to be kickin' balls out in a golden egg layin' career?
I wasn't always this nega maniac, i was ones a happy girl. I remember how i was always called to be a part of a dance group or the cheering team. I was always a part of the school program, boy did i love all the attention. I grew up knowing that i have talent that a lot people appreciated and that i am in a lot of ways above the ordinary. Things changed when we moved where we are now. Think of living in Manhattan, then moving to hmmm... Burkensville, Maryland formerly known as Blair! Here is where using the English language in conversation would get you in trouble, and where confidence would encourage a very dirty competition. From keeping up with my playmate's Barbie collection, I was then directed to play with goats, geese, pigs and chickens. It is really far from where my parents then worked, so i was left under the care of my then exploring brother and my teenage hormonal sister. Needless to say, i was left with no other choice but to survive on my own and often times, look after my then one year old baby brother.
A lot of things happened on my school years, even more when i got to college. There were a lot of experiences which added layers and layers of doubt and inconsistencies about life, nothing like how i pictured it to be. There were a lot of times when i got bullied.There are indeed a lot of experiences that i wish never would have happened.The good ones were the times when i was "the girl" and when i just twisted things as i wanted it to be. I learned to make my way through and around life.
Although a lot about me has changed, i remember one thing i have always... always...dreamed of becoming. Deep within my heart, i know, that-- is my moment. My heart's desire never changed ever since i was 10, until now. Whenever someone asks me of how i picture my self five...ten years from now? Or what i would really want to do with my life? The picture of me in my perfect life runs in my head like a dream sequence in a movie, something with a Stepford-like effect, but without Glenn Close or the robot thing.
My dream life begins with me on the front garden of a wide white house (wide because instead of having a second floor, it's all wide, for the reason that i hate stairs), watering orchids with different colors, just when the sun begins to shine. And the lawn is like a green matte carpet, which goes so well with the white picket fences. Then my two shitzu puppies run around as my two beautiful children come up front to kiss me goodbye because their school bus has arrived. After that, i come in to help my loving husband with what he needs, like fixing his tie or handing him his keys and then gently kiss him goodbye as he leaves for work. Of course then, i clean up the house, wash the dishes, do all sorts of cooking and all that domestic thingy. There will be times when i have to go to my kids' school to attend PTA meetings, or to participate at Family Days with my good husband. Sometimes, i also imagine my self picking my kids from school on our pick up truck, with our other dog, a Labrador Retriever, then head straight to a nice, secure park...if it is a weekend. At night, i send my kids to bed, read 'em stories and kiss 'em goodnight, then i give my hubby some good ol' fashion or sometimes heart poundin, mind blowin' s-- special lovin' (whew!).
Narrating my special happy picture to some of my closest friends don't always get the dreamy "aaahh..." reaction i was hoping for, it's more of the eye rolling kinda' thing. A lot of them would say that being a home keeper is not an easy job. I don't think it is. I just know that's what i want to do and i can be good at it. Of course, people would always analyze that scenario in all sorts of angles like: it's a wide house, meaning huge lot area and lawn, plus three dogs, orchids, car, school bus which sums up to expensive--and I'll just be a non-earning home based worker. They think i am looking for a rich, handsome husband which is close to Richard Geere in Pretty Woman. Of course i love Edward Mercer, but i know enough that, that man belongs to the renewed hooker from Beverly Hills! I know for a fact that Prince Charming doesn't exist, or if he does, he went really bad after Shrek took over. Wealth comes in different packages. It doesn't mean that although i am dreaming of a wide white house, i didn't contribute anything to have it. Maybe i am a home maker, and a writer... who knows? And also, who would say that looks doesn't matter when it comes to dreaming of "the one"? I think whoever says that must have been really dumped big time, as in zero ego level! or, has totally crushed confidence,to think that they don't deserve someone who is at least,attractive! It's a different case thou if someone ends up with a subjectively attractive person. Please don't get the term "dreaming of ideal" to "actual love" all mixed up.
Let me begin the story where i am now. I just turned 26, about to start my 6th job from the time i graduated (i have eliminated those that didn't last three months), i am still living with my parents along with my younger brother who's still in college, and this would be tough to admit...I am not in a relationship. I am single. I don't have a boyfriend.
Like i mentioned earlier, there are some things i don't openly... er... honestly discuss. I have come to convince others, including my self, that i am in a, what Friendster would call, an open relationship or how others would put it, "It's complicated". I guess other's could relate how being single nowadays is not easy to live by or accept. Well, it's not that i am afraid people would think i am an old maid (not that there is something wrong if you decide to be one), I mean i am still on my 20's, but it's more of the fact that i am available at my 20's! Of course you might think, i am just over reacting on not having a boyfriend, but the thing is, the last time i had a real relationship, like something with an actual anniversary date, was when i was still in high school! I was 15! And he was my first, and only, real boyfriend which lasted for only two months, two weeks and two days but has kept my eyes crying like the Iguassu Falls, over a broken heart, for two freaking years!--and since then, all i ever had were platonic relationships, M.U's, O.N.S'sss which lasted for more than a week or a month!, cheaters, liars, stubborn bachelors wanting me yet ending up getting some other girl pregnant, and an overdue mysterious, workaholic, cold, horny, lying maniac who shows up as often as Halley's Comet!
Aw... sometimes i just want to fight this longing thing that i feel, and continue pretending to be this contented unavailable girl. And there are times, I wanted to give in and cry, and shout to the world what a loser i am. A loser for rejecting the fact that i am not loved by this Halley guy that i have fallen in-and-out-and-in love with, that some of my friends still think i am a work in progress, that my "career" is in a horrible shape, that I haven't come close to what my parents expect of me, that i am gaining weight, and that i am enjoying the very fact that i am a non-income generating, fat girl, writer wannabe, and how time flies when my mind focuses on imagining a scene, or in thinking the right words for a story. As Ashton said in one of his movies, "I'd rather do nothing to be happy, than do something i don't love". Which makes me think, what do i really love any way? and does it have to involve putting my whole life on the line? Is it ok to be thinking like a confuzy,wuzzy at the age when i am supposed to be kickin' balls out in a golden egg layin' career?
III
I wasn't always this nega maniac, i was ones a happy girl. I remember how i was always called to be a part of a dance group or the cheering team. I was always a part of the school program, boy did i love all the attention. I grew up knowing that i have talent that a lot people appreciated and that i am in a lot of ways above the ordinary. Things changed when we moved where we are now. Think of living in Manhattan, then moving to hmmm... Burkensville, Maryland formerly known as Blair! Here is where using the English language in conversation would get you in trouble, and where confidence would encourage a very dirty competition. From keeping up with my playmate's Barbie collection, I was then directed to play with goats, geese, pigs and chickens. It is really far from where my parents then worked, so i was left under the care of my then exploring brother and my teenage hormonal sister. Needless to say, i was left with no other choice but to survive on my own and often times, look after my then one year old baby brother.
A lot of things happened on my school years, even more when i got to college. There were a lot of experiences which added layers and layers of doubt and inconsistencies about life, nothing like how i pictured it to be. There were a lot of times when i got bullied.There are indeed a lot of experiences that i wish never would have happened.The good ones were the times when i was "the girl" and when i just twisted things as i wanted it to be. I learned to make my way through and around life.
Although a lot about me has changed, i remember one thing i have always... always...dreamed of becoming. Deep within my heart, i know, that-- is my moment. My heart's desire never changed ever since i was 10, until now. Whenever someone asks me of how i picture my self five...ten years from now? Or what i would really want to do with my life? The picture of me in my perfect life runs in my head like a dream sequence in a movie, something with a Stepford-like effect, but without Glenn Close or the robot thing.
My dream life begins with me on the front garden of a wide white house (wide because instead of having a second floor, it's all wide, for the reason that i hate stairs), watering orchids with different colors, just when the sun begins to shine. And the lawn is like a green matte carpet, which goes so well with the white picket fences. Then my two shitzu puppies run around as my two beautiful children come up front to kiss me goodbye because their school bus has arrived. After that, i come in to help my loving husband with what he needs, like fixing his tie or handing him his keys and then gently kiss him goodbye as he leaves for work. Of course then, i clean up the house, wash the dishes, do all sorts of cooking and all that domestic thingy. There will be times when i have to go to my kids' school to attend PTA meetings, or to participate at Family Days with my good husband. Sometimes, i also imagine my self picking my kids from school on our pick up truck, with our other dog, a Labrador Retriever, then head straight to a nice, secure park...if it is a weekend. At night, i send my kids to bed, read 'em stories and kiss 'em goodnight, then i give my hubby some good ol' fashion or sometimes heart poundin, mind blowin' s-- special lovin' (whew!).
Narrating my special happy picture to some of my closest friends don't always get the dreamy "aaahh..." reaction i was hoping for, it's more of the eye rolling kinda' thing. A lot of them would say that being a home keeper is not an easy job. I don't think it is. I just know that's what i want to do and i can be good at it. Of course, people would always analyze that scenario in all sorts of angles like: it's a wide house, meaning huge lot area and lawn, plus three dogs, orchids, car, school bus which sums up to expensive--and I'll just be a non-earning home based worker. They think i am looking for a rich, handsome husband which is close to Richard Geere in Pretty Woman. Of course i love Edward Mercer, but i know enough that, that man belongs to the renewed hooker from Beverly Hills! I know for a fact that Prince Charming doesn't exist, or if he does, he went really bad after Shrek took over. Wealth comes in different packages. It doesn't mean that although i am dreaming of a wide white house, i didn't contribute anything to have it. Maybe i am a home maker, and a writer... who knows? And also, who would say that looks doesn't matter when it comes to dreaming of "the one"? I think whoever says that must have been really dumped big time, as in zero ego level! or, has totally crushed confidence,to think that they don't deserve someone who is at least,attractive! It's a different case thou if someone ends up with a subjectively attractive person. Please don't get the term "dreaming of ideal" to "actual love" all mixed up.
