Growing up, I often envied people who got where they want to go at such an early stage in life. It comes to them with such ease, so much that there is a turning point where these gifts end up being neglected. At some point in my life, I felt like my role was to be the one to acknowledge the neglected for the people I know.
As far as I can remember, I have a clear vision of what I really want to attain…what I want to become, how to reach it and how I want it to end up. All I want is to become a wife and a mother. ---- This, sounds simple…very true to the sense of it. But at this day and age, you can’t go to your parents and say, “Mom, I just want to get married and have kids”, especially when while you were growing up you had such variety of spunkiness and talent which to them is translated as “the bright future ahead” and the fact that there is the wild goose chase between you and the better specie, plus the fact that you are aiming for the compatible genes. And so, the race is on! The continuous aim to be on upper level if not the top of your class is like an ice brick on my head. I don’t look the part I believe; people around me would never agree that I ever had cold feet. To them, I am the “representative”… the impromptu person you can depend on, to do whatever is needed, like a genie to grant their every wish. It felt like a “no choice” role I had to live by. And I did it. But then, when I think of what I wanted to really have, these things had nothing to do with it.
Then it started to feel like a forced responsibility. Why? Because it wasn’t pleasing me. Later on, things I wanted to achieve became shadows…it felt so close but I can’t reach it. I am being punished for things I am not responsible for. Take participating in my college graduation as an example, I was forced to become a summer graduate only because of the registrar’s staff failed to include one stupid subject on my final term, thus making me take it on summer instead…and the only question in my head? Why me?
Fine…It might just have been a bad episode in my life, and things would only get better. I was so willing to move on. I landed a good job…it didn’t last. One thing lead to another, I met new people… I had my share of fun… and with all of these, still… I wake up in the middle of the night, finding myself in my old bed, now in a job which makes me sick, 25, boyfriendless, prospectless, tired and just a pinky away of giving up my heart’s desire, asking myself… “Where do I start? How can I ever get there?”
I have so read a bunch of articles, books, blogs, guides, laws about getting this happy life. Believe me, it made my brain get f*cked up at some point. I spent quite an investment searching for the best books to influence me, only to find out that “I AM” already doing what is in it. Nothing new.
Now I can’t help but ask, “Is this how things should really be?” I mean, you get a job to help you get across life…at least that was my thinking. Talent is already subjective, unless of course you are capable of voicing out eight octaves and reach your foot to your ear while standing (whew!). I can’t even pin point anybody I know who is a regular person (and by saying regular person, a college grad of zero connections), who was able to get into the industry he or she has been eyeing for, even if yes, he or she has a talent for it! I remember at one of my attempts to get into the movie industry, I was asked by the daughter of the queen flower, “masscom…so what do you think you can do here?....to tell you honestly, I don’t know what’s your contribution in this industry…” and who do you want to be here? The talentless wipe-asses you have right now? No wonder you had to come up with sequels every darn film festival…cuz you are running out of fresh ideas! (Of course I did not say that…but what am saying is…can’t you just test how creative I can get and not insult me for the course I took?). Then I found out, a company has a non degree holder in their staff… slowly rising the ranks only because she is some person’s niece. Now you tell me, how do you expect me to fight it?
I can go on yacking on the system we are made to believe as the better way. I could just wish there is a justification for all of these.
Moving on… last Saturday night was quite a thing to think about for me. Again, feeling like asking myself the question “why do things have to get difficult for me?”… I go home everyday, 2 to 3 hours away from work, which I am still getting used to (there is no way you can get used to it…it is really a pain on the neck), and as if it is not difficult enough, I found myself looking at the longest line I have ever seen leading to the jeepney terminal I am about to go to.. and when I say the longest line, I mean it looked like a line going to the WOWOWEE studio! So yes, for a jeepney terminal? That is a horrible sight! On a situation like that, there is no way to feel better except if you feel like challenging your patience. And so I did… As I was standing at the end of the line, I noticed, there is a discrepancy of 30 to 45 minutes before the next jeepney arrives. And as I estimated my position with the time I have which is 7:30pm, I’ll be home by 3am…not bad! Considering I have to get up 3am the next day and leave the house at 4 so I can be at work by 6am! (gosh, the last two lines are full of sarcasm!). I had to think of some other way. I then decided to take a shot on another jeepney terminal which is about six blocks away. It would be a long walk… (so no! I decided to take another jeep going to the next terminal… am not much of the hero that you think) and to my surprise, the line there was worse! It reached the hi-way! For crying out loud!!! Frustration galore!! Then I felt tears trying to go to the side of my eyes, but I resisted. I want to test my patience. It was late, drizzling, we were lining up at the market place and people were already getting weird. They mobbed a cab, trying to fit eight people in it so they can have a smaller share with the fare meter, men flock empty trucks going to my town…street vendors went crazy because of the long thick commuter line blocking their stores (which by the way they don’t rent, and it’s as if we enjoy standing there!? Hello!), total strangers are already talking to each other….it felt like I was walking on a march leading to the next EDSA Revolution!
At 9pm, still no where near salvation, I started to feel numbness on my legs, my tummy’s sending me a signal that I need food, I’m parched, I got sniffles (it’s three weeks overdue), I am shivering… I am tired. Then I had to let the tears fall. I found myself crying on the line. Then I started feeling pity for myself… “why do these things happen to me?” I already had thoughts of really breaking down right there and then. But I have to get through this. And after what seemed like forever, it was my turn to ride. The wooden seats covered with fake leather never felt so comfortable! I was crying when my painful back finally got a rest… people were smiling at me, smiling at each other, thanking God, breathing on a steady relaxed pace and closed their eyes to rest. Right there and then, there was one thing I felt that was so clear… fulfillment. Not because I was finally on my way home, but because I proved to myself, I can do it. That after the pain, there is salvation.
I am now wondering, where could I be in the line right now? Am I even in it? How will I know if I reached the end? I guess I’ll feel the same way like when I got in the jeepney. That experience made me think of a lot of things. I took the test, I passed and I am home. For how long could my line be in getting to my heart’s desire remains unknown, I just do hope I am in the line leading to it.
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