CHASING HAPPY

I

My name is Arbie. It is not my real name, but i chose to be called that name since i decided to become the person i wanted to be. Not everyone knew that i have just made that name up, yet they all seem to believe that the person they are seeing now? Arbie? - is the real person, the real character that they know about. I know i sound confusing, but it's not in a creepy, alien-ish way. I am a real human being, but the point is... there is more to a person than you actually see.

Who would've thought you can name yourself anyway? In my opinion, aside from the name that was given to you by your parents, when you were well... unaware, you should give yourself your name. A name that would reflect the person you know you are... deep inside you... now, and the person that you long to be. Like for instance, you are a very gorgeous girl, at your 20's, single, nice titties, long wavy hair, sexy smile and all that Playboy bunny package, and your name is Maria Lourdes (no offense intended to people with the same name), don't you think you fit to be a "Nicole"? or "Tanya"? or think one word names which would let your lips form into a seductively open pose! Anyway, enough said about the names, this is not about that anyway. This is about my journey. No, i am not a traveler of some sort, like an F.A. or pilot. This is about my journey in getting to the happiness that most girls dream of... the picture perfect life. It could mean a ring on my finger, a child on my lap, or a pair of Manolo's in my closet. The thing is, it should make me say "this is it!". I am in for a tough goal, if ever things won't turn out like a cut out from Good Parenting, or Metro Weddings, at least we'll all have something entertaining to read. And it would be quite a journey.

II

Let me begin the story where i am now. I just turned 26, about to start my 6th job from the time i graduated (i have eliminated those that didn't last three months), i am still living with my parents along with my younger brother who's still in college, and this would be tough to admit...I am not in a relationship. I am single. I don't have a boyfriend.

Like i mentioned earlier, there are some things i don't openly... er... honestly discuss. I have come to convince others, including my self, that i am in a, what Friendster would call, an open relationship or how others would put it, "It's complicated". I guess other's could relate how being single nowadays is not easy to live by or accept. Well, it's not that i am afraid people would think i am an old maid (not that there is something wrong if you decide to be one), I mean i am still on my 20's, but it's more of the fact that i am available at my 20's! Of course you might think, i am just over reacting on not having a boyfriend, but the thing is, the last time i had a real relationship, like something with an actual anniversary date, was when i was still in high school! I was 15! And he was my first, and only, real boyfriend which lasted for only two months, two weeks and two days but has kept my eyes crying like the Iguassu Falls, over a broken heart, for two freaking years!--and since then, all i ever had were platonic relationships, M.U's, O.N.S'sss which lasted for more than a week or a month!, cheaters, liars, stubborn bachelors wanting me yet ending up getting some other girl pregnant, and an overdue mysterious, workaholic, cold, horny, lying maniac who shows up as often as Halley's Comet!

Aw... sometimes i just want to fight this longing thing that i feel, and continue pretending to be this contented unavailable girl. And there are times, I wanted to give in and cry, and shout to the world what a loser i am. A loser for rejecting the fact that i am not loved by this Halley guy that i have fallen in-and-out-and-in love with, that some of my friends still think i am a work in progress, that my "career" is in a horrible shape, that I haven't come close to what my parents expect of me, that i am gaining weight, and that i am enjoying the very fact that i am a non-income generating, fat girl, writer wannabe, and how time flies when my mind focuses on imagining a scene, or in thinking the right words for a story. As Ashton said in one of his movies, "I'd rather do nothing to be happy, than do something i don't love". Which makes me think, what do i really love any way? and does it have to involve putting my whole life on the line? Is it ok to be thinking like a confuzy,wuzzy at the age when i am supposed to be kickin' balls out in a golden egg layin' career?

III

I wasn't always this nega maniac, i was ones a happy girl. I remember how i was always called to be a part of a dance group or the cheering team. I was always a part of the school program, boy did i love all the attention. I grew up knowing that i have talent that a lot people appreciated and that i am in a lot of ways above the ordinary. Things changed when we moved where we are now. Think of living in Manhattan, then moving to hmmm... Burkensville, Maryland formerly known as Blair! Here is where using the English language in conversation would get you in trouble, and where confidence would encourage a very dirty competition. From keeping up with my playmate's Barbie collection, I was then directed to play with goats, geese, pigs and chickens. It is really far from where my parents then worked, so i was left under the care of my then exploring brother and my teenage hormonal sister. Needless to say, i was left with no other choice but to survive on my own and often times, look after my then one year old baby brother.

A lot of things happened on my school years, even more when i got to college. There were a lot of experiences which added layers and layers of doubt and inconsistencies about life, nothing like how i pictured it to be. There were a lot of times when i got bullied.There are indeed a lot of experiences that i wish never would have happened.The good ones were the times when i was "the girl" and when i just twisted things as i wanted it to be. I learned to make my way through and around life.

Although a lot about me has changed, i remember one thing i have always... always...dreamed of becoming. Deep within my heart, i know, that-- is my moment. My heart's desire never changed ever since i was 10, until now. Whenever someone asks me of how i picture my self five...ten years from now? Or what i would really want to do with my life? The picture of me in my perfect life runs in my head like a dream sequence in a movie, something with a Stepford-like effect, but without Glenn Close or the robot thing.

My dream life begins with me on the front garden of a wide white house (wide because instead of having a second floor, it's all wide, for the reason that i hate stairs), watering orchids with different colors, just when the sun begins to shine. And the lawn is like a green matte carpet, which goes so well with the white picket fences. Then my two shitzu puppies run around as my two beautiful children come up front to kiss me goodbye because their school bus has arrived. After that, i come in to help my loving husband with what he needs, like fixing his tie or handing him his keys and then gently kiss him goodbye as he leaves for work. Of course then, i clean up the house, wash the dishes, do all sorts of cooking and all that domestic thingy. There will be times when i have to go to my kids' school to attend PTA meetings, or to participate at Family Days with my good husband. Sometimes, i also imagine my self picking my kids from school on our pick up truck, with our other dog, a Labrador Retriever, then head straight to a nice, secure park...if it is a weekend. At night, i send my kids to bed, read 'em stories and kiss 'em goodnight, then i give my hubby some good ol' fashion or sometimes heart poundin, mind blowin' s-- special lovin' (whew!).

Narrating my special happy picture to some of my closest friends don't always get the dreamy "aaahh..." reaction i was hoping for, it's more of the eye rolling kinda' thing. A lot of them would say that being a home keeper is not an easy job. I don't think it is. I just know that's what i want to do and i can be good at it. Of course, people would always analyze that scenario in all sorts of angles like: it's a wide house, meaning huge lot area and lawn, plus three dogs, orchids, car, school bus which sums up to expensive--and I'll just be a non-earning home based worker. They think i am looking for a rich, handsome husband which is close to Richard Geere in Pretty Woman. Of course i love Edward Mercer, but i know enough that, that man belongs to the renewed hooker from Beverly Hills! I know for a fact that Prince Charming doesn't exist, or if he does, he went really bad after Shrek took over. Wealth comes in different packages. It doesn't mean that although i am dreaming of a wide white house, i didn't contribute anything to have it. Maybe i am a home maker, and a writer... who knows? And also, who would say that looks doesn't matter when it comes to dreaming of "the one"? I think whoever says that must have been really dumped big time, as in zero ego level! or, has totally crushed confidence,to think that they don't deserve someone who is at least,attractive! It's a different case thou if someone ends up with a subjectively attractive person. Please don't get the term "dreaming of ideal" to "actual love" all mixed up.

Welcoming 26

I just turned 26, maybe it's a big fuss for some, but it aint much for me now. I guess it's just that i am not where i planned to be.

First, i would love to thank my friends who greeted me on my special day. It really means a lot to me. As you all know, i am indeed very sensitive whenever my birthday comes, and so i am very thankful for the people who remembered. Thanks to my friend Lora for dinner, the resto experience wasn't all glittery but it was the night i treasured. Thanks for the conversation, same with my friend Mika who stayed with us that night. Thank you for remembering my birthday since you've met me. I would also wanna say thank you to my good friend Marwin, who greeted me in advance, so that in case he forgets on that day, he already did what he can when he remembered it. Thanks to Alden, for the drama greet. He pretended to call me for another reason,but it turns out, he just wanted to greet me too, same with his wife Anna. To all the people who greeted me in friendster, Caryn,and the guys i haven't met personally... thank you. You have touched my heart in ways you can't imagine... (hindi po bastos yun..hehehe)

As my friends would have known by now, my sentiments on this day really gets emphasized, sometimes blown out of proportions. May be it's the same old "alone" drama, but the thing is... it was my thing last year, and it saddens me that it is still the same dang pain! =( Last year, there were no celebrations, because i was horribly ill. And now, we had a family reunion done on my birthday! There are more people around me, and i feel the love but I guess it's just trying to set my expectations low, yet i can't stop my self from wanting to be special to that somebody. I feel so pathetic.

A few months ago, i felt i was losing it. I have made a 360 degree turn, i am quite satisfied, but then i started to feel that i am being left behind. I no longer enjoy clubbing, i don't enjoy alcohol as much, i don't enjoy the night lights, i can't stand the loud music and sometimes, i just zone out my self from conversations i used to enjoy. Maybe i am getting old, or maybe i just saw the beauty of the simplicity of things. I don't feel angry... i don't feel miserable either. I just don't have anything to say. I enjoy being alone. I am in love with a song. And my heart feels pain in a way that it wants to cry but it's too locked up. I want to be alone... away... somewhere, where i am free from any one who would judge me, from rules that don't really matter, from a man who doesn't know my value, from time.

If it would be fair to say everything in my mind right now, i know i would end up hurting. If i could only be selfish... If only i can say what i really mean at that exact moment...If i could only be as insensitive, as inconsiderate... then it would be fair. It's my fault. I have given too much.

I can't tolerate light jokes about me as of the moment. I am really very sensitive. I remember every time i am being called "names", and every time i am in any way being put down.

I need new people.

Tell me it's just a phase...
Tell me it will all be fine...
Tell me to calm down...

then show around...
then i'll be fine.

GOOD EARTH (metrowalk) = BAD DINING EXPERIENCE!!!

I am writing this, fresh from my supposed to be "fun" birthday dinner at Good Earth in Metrowalk. I just can't help but be annoyed on the way the service runs in that place. But to get you in the mood, here's the story:

June 13 2008... pay day friday for some, and for me... the perfect day to have a simple dinner with my close friends Pungpung and Ashley. Friends who i haven't spend quite some time with, since i was busy contemplating on my next career move.
Since my birthday would fall on a tuesday, and they are both busy on that day, plus the fact that i have a family celebration on the weekends... we decided to meet up and dine kanina. And since i love chinese food, we ended up in Good Earth in Metrowalk, thinking that it will give us the right ambiance, good food and good service that will complete the picture.

So there we are, we ordered beef in oyster sauce, broccoli in garlic sauce, dimsum, garlic and plain rice. There was already some confusion with the rice ordering, but never the less, we settled just so we won't spoil the moment. We were catching up with each other's lives and getting on with dinner, then the first "taas kilay" moment happened. My friend Pungpung ordered dimsum, and since she was also enjoying the other dishes, it was understandable how the serving plate was emptied yet there was still dimsum lying on her plate waiting to be dipped on the sauce above the serving plate... and then suddenly, the server took the serving plate with the sauce above it! Again, we did not want to spoil the moment, so we opted to let it pass. But then here goes the female server again, aiming to get the serving plate with the veggies obviously still sitting there! I managed to say "wag muna!" and so she left it there. I was wondering then, if there were other guests waiting to be seated or there were no more available utensils. But clearly, apart from the huge al fresco space, there were still two tables unoccupied on the ground floor and the second floor was totally empty! As if it was not obvious that we were still trying to finish what we ordered, and two cups of rice barely touched, plus the fact that i already sent a signal clearly saying we are not done yet, here goes the server again! This time, she took our plates!!!! Can you believe the arrogance or stupidity of this server!? I mean man! I worked for the F&B industry long enough to know that courtesy is a big part of this game! The three of us were already discussing what just happened, and that we are now in agreement that the service S-U-C-K-S!!! Still, without a spoon or fork left, we just thought that the chopsticks were kinda handy in case we still want to get some pieces of beef and broccoli still lying there, plus the two cups of rice just waiting. But we were already pikon sobra! Just when you thought you had the worst, here comes the server now getting the other serving plate with the beef!!! UTANG NA LOOB!!! My friend Pungpung, now with a very obvious irate tone said "WAIT! WAIT LANG HA!!". I mean come on!Nakaka-badtrip na talaga! What do they want to do with the food ba? And eto pa, the other engot server mistakenly hands another table's bill to us! Di mo tuloy maintindihan kung minamadali kami umalis!!! Sobrang pikon na kami so we asked for the manager.The first manager we spoke with didn't seem to get the gravity of our concern. Parang he just listened, nodded then left...kainis! Totally dissatisfied, i called the attention of the other manager, and told him what happened. I did not want to point out who the stupid server girl was, because i don't want to get any body fired or apprehended, i just told him na that's not the way of doing things. Then my friend Ashley saw the engot server making face pa behind our back, so totally nanggigil na siya and swore she'll make plantsa the server's face! Nakakabad trip di ba!? I told the manager how disappointed i was, because it's my birthday dinner pa naman, then he said "ganon po ba?" then he left, then came back with dessert. Ano ba? Inuubos nga namin yung beef at broccoli ng paunti-unti because we're busog na, then you give us dessert? O sige, given, the intention was nice, kaya lang it did not resolve anything. Feeling ko pa nainsulto ako or something kasi parang he was thinking i wanted dessert kaya kami nag ko-complain! Nakaka bad trip!!!! Tapos, when we were asking for the bill, walang lumalapit... we had to call the other manager's attention again to get it. Wala man lang pagaanticipate ng need. Sobrang insensitive at mind you, sobrang ASSHOLE talaga yung dating nung isang server! I mean, kung wala kayo sa mood mag serve wag kayong pumasok sa ganyang klaseng trabaho! Nakakaasar talaga!

Hindi dapat Good Earth yung ipangalan nila sa establishment, kung ganyan lang din ang pagtatrabaho nila... Ano sa tingin nyo?

SUDDENLY PSYCHO

Baka kasi you're curious why i called my little piece of cyber space "clinically bolera". Let me volunteer the info... i have, for one, worked at different industries. A lot of my friends wonder how i possibly made the jump. That's where the term "bolera" comes in. I am not saying i lied, it's just that i tend to internalize roles that are expected from me on an interview. I am not saying i did it all the time, there were numerous times i faltered... times when i am not totally sold to an idea i am trying to portray. So yeah-- i worked for engineering, wrote for the school paper, i did pay roll, customer service front line, i did a bit of acting for tv and movies, marketing, i managed a modeling agency, sold condominiums, worked for a bank, sold government bonds, treasury bills and insurance, a part time make up artist, part time singer, done my call center stint, worked for a food and beverage industry, managed a cafe' and lastly i got a dip on the I.T. world. Whew!

It's all confusing how i did it. Sometimes i too, am taken away by those. Although, i also have to give credit for some of my connections. That part actually, cuts the game short. To be more effective in a field, there should be no one, as in zero, nada, zilch, no body there that i possibly know. Not that i establish a different character every time, i just feel better when i think i'm gonna start on a clean slate. It feels fresh, because you won't be judged by the mistakes of your past. A lot of people are curious about you... and there are zero backlogs for an unfit character you have so hated. Talk about low expectations! When you start differently, you won't get the same pressures you got.

The biggest down side though is, moving on. I mean, it's not that i think about leaving it intentionally. I just have a short attention span, and i am quick in picking up, so unless i am offered something new or people are really nice, i... jump! I know i am not getting any younger. Sooner or later, i have to settle. I am not a big money fan, or maybe i just don't need it right now. Maybe it will change someday. Maybe fate will intervene. Maybe i should not over analyze things and just do what i see fit.... --- by the way, that's where the word "clinically" comes.