Welcoming 26

I just turned 26, maybe it's a big fuss for some, but it aint much for me now. I guess it's just that i am not where i planned to be.

First, i would love to thank my friends who greeted me on my special day. It really means a lot to me. As you all know, i am indeed very sensitive whenever my birthday comes, and so i am very thankful for the people who remembered. Thanks to my friend Lora for dinner, the resto experience wasn't all glittery but it was the night i treasured. Thanks for the conversation, same with my friend Mika who stayed with us that night. Thank you for remembering my birthday since you've met me. I would also wanna say thank you to my good friend Marwin, who greeted me in advance, so that in case he forgets on that day, he already did what he can when he remembered it. Thanks to Alden, for the drama greet. He pretended to call me for another reason,but it turns out, he just wanted to greet me too, same with his wife Anna. To all the people who greeted me in friendster, Caryn,and the guys i haven't met personally... thank you. You have touched my heart in ways you can't imagine... (hindi po bastos yun..hehehe)

As my friends would have known by now, my sentiments on this day really gets emphasized, sometimes blown out of proportions. May be it's the same old "alone" drama, but the thing is... it was my thing last year, and it saddens me that it is still the same dang pain! =( Last year, there were no celebrations, because i was horribly ill. And now, we had a family reunion done on my birthday! There are more people around me, and i feel the love but I guess it's just trying to set my expectations low, yet i can't stop my self from wanting to be special to that somebody. I feel so pathetic.

A few months ago, i felt i was losing it. I have made a 360 degree turn, i am quite satisfied, but then i started to feel that i am being left behind. I no longer enjoy clubbing, i don't enjoy alcohol as much, i don't enjoy the night lights, i can't stand the loud music and sometimes, i just zone out my self from conversations i used to enjoy. Maybe i am getting old, or maybe i just saw the beauty of the simplicity of things. I don't feel angry... i don't feel miserable either. I just don't have anything to say. I enjoy being alone. I am in love with a song. And my heart feels pain in a way that it wants to cry but it's too locked up. I want to be alone... away... somewhere, where i am free from any one who would judge me, from rules that don't really matter, from a man who doesn't know my value, from time.

If it would be fair to say everything in my mind right now, i know i would end up hurting. If i could only be selfish... If only i can say what i really mean at that exact moment...If i could only be as insensitive, as inconsiderate... then it would be fair. It's my fault. I have given too much.

I can't tolerate light jokes about me as of the moment. I am really very sensitive. I remember every time i am being called "names", and every time i am in any way being put down.

I need new people.

Tell me it's just a phase...
Tell me it will all be fine...
Tell me to calm down...

then show around...
then i'll be fine.