im back

wow.

so how long has it been? im a couple of months shy to 2012.
a lot of things happened, i don't know where to start!
so just a quick update..from the guy i last dated, at least on post:
went to gym after that and well, got a few turns here and there,
career was great.
fell in love.
had chaos cuz of that.
got a new car.
had my house constructed.
had new friends.
a few left.
now, im... well...good. i guess.
single.
stayin home a lot.
and generally fine.
Learned a lot the past year,
made a  lot of big decisions.
one of which was to stop being somebody's go to.
Sick of being used, abused, pulled down and generally just
had to move on from people who are weighing me down.
I adore silence, and my own little 'me' space.
I still believe in love.
Basically the same, except, i know how to say 'NO'
Gone are the days of being dragged at some place i don't like
doing things i don't enjoy.
Im happy..despite of it all.
It's just a matter of time, before my world becomes all noisy again...
So i would love to take time to treasure the silence. :)

in my head

it gives me chills til today
whenever i remember...
you were everything i ever wanted.
and all i gave you was headache.
i was scared to open up.
and you patiently worked to earn my trust.
i was the drunkard that i am.
and you were there to catch when i falter.
in your eyes i was never stupid.
you were my drinking buddy
my friend and my lover.
and i was your biggest fan.
and fate was not on our side.
i wish i had more time.
i wish you still think of me too.
i wish it's that easy to understand
why these things happen to you and me.
i wish i have half the courage that you have.
i wish i stood by your side.
i wish i did not believe you when you were shooing me away.
i wish... in some other life time.

ps: sira uli yung electric fan ko... pero wala ka na eh :(

Sucks to be :(

been caught up doing things far out different from what you wanted?
not being able to say or do the perfect things at the right time?
worse, not being able to say or do the perfect things at all?

for once in my life i really wanted to be well...that.
but it's hard to coordinate every piece of me and focus my energy to something.
it freaks me out.
i wish i could be sweet.

or that girl...
i wish i could be that normal boring girl sometimes...

oh but i am not.
my bestfriend told me i should accept that.
i am not simple.

i am complex
too complex sometimes i can't even figure my self out.
in my head this is normal.
wanting something but not too much
needing something and needing it bad
but not show how much i'll beg to have it.
i don't beg. is that bad?
when people walk out on me
i don't stop them..that wrong?
when what i need is not available,
i learn not to need it.

like something soo bad but not too much
confusing people when things are getting out of hand...
or so i think.

shit.

im not a mess.
i know that for a fact.
but i am not stable.
at least not my head.

or am i?

i'll give you a chocolate if you understand me.

sedate me.

still chasing happy

doubts drown
take off that frown
live the day
take what you can
open your hands
but don't wear your heart on your sleeve

i just hope
the day comes
someone will see me through
more than my smile
more than the noise i make

i pray there'll be nothing more to fear
that each morning is something to look forward to

My Activity List for 2010

1. Watch URCC Live
2. Watch a live basketball game (think Araneta)
3. Drive on an actual race track
4. No more smoking - check
5. Have a trip out of the country
6. Live near the beach at least for a week
7. Don't eat pork and/or beef every friday
8. Read the bible every night.
9. Spend time with friends at least once a week.
10. Stay home for a whole day at least once a week.
11. Attend chinese new year celebration - check.
12. Make at least one new friend, like a real friend.
13. Vote wisely
14. Find the perfect garden
15. Volunteer to charity
16. Play like a 5-year old girl
17. Take French lessons
18. Master a new gourmet cuisine
19. Bake a damn good cake
20. Do something vain (hahaha this would be easy)

Clinically Bolera: sink or swim

Clinically Bolera: sink or swim

sink or swim

For quite a long time... i am in lo.. ok im in deep shit.

Ok i do..i love.. him.

He turned my world around, showing me things i thought were extinct.

Made me realize chivalry is not yet dead.

Screwed my evil plans of world domination.

Made me decide to stop smoking.

Made me want to stay home on weekends.

Loves me.

And he has a girlfriend...

Over and over i keep on thinking this is wrong.. i better get going. God knows i tried. I try. Everyday.

Until now.

So with the very slight chance, i end up hurting him... i hope he reads this.

Dear Mark,

I am sorry. It pains me more than anything to be here alone somewhere without you. I miss you everyday. I still look at my phone waiting for your name to appear on my inbox or missed calls. I still sometimes sleep in my car because it makes me smile thinking you're with me in it. I wear your shirt when i sleep. I look at your picture everyday. I pray for you at every chance i get to talk to God. I would still sometimes attempt to make a left going to your street but end up making a U. It makes me smile when the priest talks about John the Baptist... it's like hearing your name in church when im with God and i think its His way to brighten my day. I still don't smoke. I can't help but turn my head when i see motocross bikers. I still hear your voice in my head... your weird laugh... and your voice when you sing..hahaha.. (oops..sorry ☺) I will forever miss your hugs and your kiss and will still dream one day i'll find my self in your arms.

I love you. I don't want to mess your life. I don't want to confuse you. Im sorry i don't reply or text as often or i don't reply or text at all. Im sorry i missed your calls. Im sorry i don't hang out anymore. But please know, i die a little each time...

Mahal... *kiss* *kiss* *kiss* *super hug*

Arbie

is this? are you?

how do i know this is one of God's jokes?

when i remember asking for a particular name... particular face... event... the how should of things... and then i found it..

are you real?

i am happy you are who you are, i am happy with how you make me feel when you are with me
if incase this is just one of the roads i'll take, this could just be the best path im taking so far.

you make me feel awesome about myself and i love myself more now that i have met you.

(cheezy! nyeta!)

in gray

going up didn't look much scary before...
it still ain't now.
there's just too much to fear... because there is much to lose.

i can't say there is regret, after all, i reap what i sow.
i just didn't expect it to be this hollow.
everything you hear sounds a slight buttering
and there is always a fear you have to repay all the kindness.

when it's easy to dismiss you because you are nothing,
it's much easier to be dismissed because people think you have a lot.

this is a ruthless chain of slavery i tell you, it's not easy to follow this
rotten dictated path.

it's not easy to afford happiness...

@ 27

This has to be the happiest birthday yet... I shouldn't be asking for more.
On the past year, I was able to achieve a lot of things I have only been planning for in the past years.
I got me a good job, one I am hoping to last.
My mom said it was a gift from my 26th birthday.
It could be, for it opened a lot of doors for me.
I finally learned to drive...
because i'll be driving my first owned car.
I now have a boyfriend... I can see, share and be with.. :)
I have weekends off..(yey!)
and I am sure there are still more of it I have yet to unfold.

Of course, I would like to acknowledge my past. I won't probably see how kind this year have been if not for all the trials and struggles I had to go through.

At 27, there are more things I have to accomplish. I can now, more than ever, feel the pressure of things before I hit 30.

I can only pray that things can finally fall on its place when that time comes. Only three more years....
- I have yet to see the completion of the family house
- Get enough savings
- Invest  for a business
- Invest for a house
- Fly abroad
- Get married

I can only pray....

The Big Project

I live in a very nice place. Amityville is not quite a famous name for a place for r&r but the beauty beneath the horror flick is simply irresistable. I can't get over the wonderful view of the town and the mountain ranges from outside the house.

The only thing that troubles me though is that we can't maximize it from the inside. Security is a concern, i agree, because of the very small population but then again, i know there are ways which we can be secured and yet indulge on the beauty of nature at the same time.

For one, my room has zero visibility of what's outside, for it's in the basement. The windows on the living room and the kitchen are closed most of the time and you can't really see what's outside.

I just hope an angel will come help me get things right. I can't argue with my dad about it, because there are still financial issues to consider.

I hope Oprah has wings and can fly to the Philippines to help.

Oh well... in God's time i guess.

Dreaming

I wish i could say im alright.
I wish i could say "no hurt feelings".
I wish i could say i don't care.
I wish i could say i am moving on
I wish i could say i hate you
I wish i could say i don't want to see you anymore.

I can't.

I can't

I can't believe this is happening.

I can't believe i am in this..right now.

I can't believe i am affected.

By someone i never thought who would.

let me do this...

Seeing you walk out on me feels like someone kicked me in the gut.
You, keeping too much of yourself kills me.
Me, walking away and you, not even trying to stop me makes me sick.
I hate it that you look at me straight-faced, with no trace of pain.
Damn, you are cold.
You lost me and still nothing.
You lie like its the truth.
You make promises like a thief.
You act like you don't care.
You ignore me.
You've placed your hands on that stupid game more than you would hold me.
You didn't invite me to your birthday celebration.
You didn't get me anything on christmas.
You're not looking forward to spend valentine's day with me.
You are stubborn.
You don't make plans.
You don't ask me out.
and you still drive me nuts.

Now it's making me insane...that it hurts me bad.
fu(k it..now i'm really sad.

and now

10...9....
just as i expected

8...7....
no plans to set things straight

6...
nothing

5...
i can't... barely hanging...

4...
tic...toc...tic...

3...
just a few long breathes more...

2...
losing you...

1...
you lost me

Daria

Watch Daria episodes =)


Depth Takes a Holiday 1
Depth Takes a Holiday 2
Depth Takes a Holiday 3
Dance Party 1

Dance Party 2
The Lost Girls 1
The Lost Girls 2
The Lost Girls 3
It happened one nut 1
It happened one nut2
Joyeous Families1
Joyeous Families2
Jake of Hearts 1
Jake of Hearts 2
Speedtrapped 1
Speedtrapped 2
Speedtrapped 3
The Lawndale File 1
The Lawndale File 2
The Lawndale File 3

Is this?

You asked for the sun... and light comes in
Strange how you've been in the dark for so long
You forgot how heat felt like...
Was it like how you wanted it?
Or the anticipation ruined it for you?
Is it the wait?
Is it fear?
The sudden change?
But it is good...
And if it is...
Then why does it feel strange?

Checkmate

Dear god, i hope it's as simple as clicking "Undo"... but do i really want that? I am scared to death that i am putting myself in deep shit. My life is just starting to come around, am i bound to shake the stability again? He said "it's just fascination!" and i love that word "fascination", and it might be symptoms of my self destructive nature or here i am over-analyzing things again.Too scared to enjoy happiness, because i know it would end... oh crap! I told you i think too much... I am difficult... I am... old. I... need... a hug.

Maybe i am not hard to like... to love even... but i am scared. I fear of pain. Oh i am in trouble... i spoke... touch move... dead.

Battle of the Brainless

I was on my way home, was finally resting my famous ass on a rather unworthy fx seat when amidst the traffic occured this frustrating and yet hilariously brainless conversation from what i can estimate as college students, boyfriend,girlfriend scenario, opposite my direction. And it goes something like this:

GF: Ano nga yung tawag sa card yung ginagamit na pinapasok dun sa machine?
(at this point i already know the answer)
BF: Memory card!
GF: (in a tone which would rather mean he's bf is dumb) sinusuksok sa machine e, memory card! hinde! yung sa machine! alam mo yung credit card?
BF: oo
GF: oh, yung credit card di ba ginagamit pag mamimili ka tapos wala kang cash...yung sinasabi ko parang ganun din pero yun yung ginagamit mo pag sesweldo ka! ano yun?
BF: SSS

You must feel the horror of this scenario for an eves dropper like moi, how i wanted to but in and scream "ATM CARD! ATM CARD! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!

The BF then said "eh ewan kung ano yang pinagsasasabi mo"...which ended my torture...or so i thought.

 After a few minutes, BF took out his phone and read a message which i suspect to be one of the scam text messages, to which the  BF said:

BF: Tsk, may ganito nanaman text.. (reading it...) CONGRATULATIONS YOU WON...
GF: (cuts bf) anong WON? WAN!
BF: eh WON nga eh
GF: WAAN... yun yung past tense ng WON!!

Thank goodness for my ipod which i managed to charge the night before, i stucked the speakers in and tried hard to forget what i just heard. How i was trying hard not to let out an insulting laugh... i don't know of frustration and how a dumb pair could possibly be in the same time and space as me. I just wish i won't dream about this.

Dreams

Ever been bugged by dreams that hunt you ever so often? In my case, i keep on dreaming about being in a plane and eventually finding my self either about to crash, trying to fly one or if not, facing horrific scenarios involving it. So i have sought information about it and here's what i found:

Airplane

The true definition is found in identifing the type of plane and your personal feeling of aircraft. If you fear air travel, dreaming of being on a passenger jet in flight is likely to be an expression of fear involved with some sort of travel. However if you LIKE to fly then this could also mean happeness. And it can also indicate a desire to rise above it all, an escape.

Airplane Crash

To dream of being in this event is a feeling of not only a dramatic negative change in your life, but also to everyone around you as well as your envorment. A very negative symbol and should be meditated upon. To dream of witnessing this event is symbolic of feelings of helplessness in the face of a great tragedy. In prohetic dreams this heralds a great change in the distant future (planes are associated with great distance). This change may not be negative. 

Since most of these airplane events, happen above water and if not touching the sea, i've added this as well:

Ocean

If you dream you are standing on shore and watching the waves foam up as they break over the beach foretells that you will have some narrow escape from an accidental injury. If you are far out on the ocean and hear the waves as they lap against the hull of the ship, you will have setbacks in your business and a troubled domestic scene. To sail on a calm ocean is always a good omen for all concerned.

Water

Dreaming of clear water is a sign of great good luck and prosperity, a dream of muddy water foretells sadness or sorry for the dreamer through hearing of an illness or death of someone he/she knows well. Dirty water warns of unscrupulous people who would bring you to ruin. All water dreams, other then clear, has a bad omen connected to it and should be studied carefully and taken as a true waning. 

Rain

If you dream of sitting at a window and watching a storm with blowing rain it is a sign that you will be blessed with true love in your present relationship. To dream of a clear day with sparkling rain shows that you will soon have an inpouring of good luck, but if you are caught in a severe rainstorm and get soaking wet that is the sign of amassing great wealth, perhaps through an inheritance.

 While the above texts still needs evidence, having a thing or two with what's holding me back is good enough. Have dreams you want to know about? Please visit this site's Dream Dictionary to find out http://www.sleeps.com/

(images from http://www.american.edu/TED/images4/fear.jpg, www.illusionsgallery.com/Sleeping-Beauty-BJ-L.jpg

YOU are gonna LOL!!

I saw this on you tube... it's so  hilarious!
I love these guys.. please watch it, you're gonna knock yourself out! =D

Hilarious #1

Hilarious #2