im back

wow.

so how long has it been? im a couple of months shy to 2012.
a lot of things happened, i don't know where to start!
so just a quick update..from the guy i last dated, at least on post:
went to gym after that and well, got a few turns here and there,
career was great.
fell in love.
had chaos cuz of that.
got a new car.
had my house constructed.
had new friends.
a few left.
now, im... well...good. i guess.
single.
stayin home a lot.
and generally fine.
Learned a lot the past year,
made a  lot of big decisions.
one of which was to stop being somebody's go to.
Sick of being used, abused, pulled down and generally just
had to move on from people who are weighing me down.
I adore silence, and my own little 'me' space.
I still believe in love.
Basically the same, except, i know how to say 'NO'
Gone are the days of being dragged at some place i don't like
doing things i don't enjoy.
Im happy..despite of it all.
It's just a matter of time, before my world becomes all noisy again...
So i would love to take time to treasure the silence. :)

in my head

it gives me chills til today
whenever i remember...
you were everything i ever wanted.
and all i gave you was headache.
i was scared to open up.
and you patiently worked to earn my trust.
i was the drunkard that i am.
and you were there to catch when i falter.
in your eyes i was never stupid.
you were my drinking buddy
my friend and my lover.
and i was your biggest fan.
and fate was not on our side.
i wish i had more time.
i wish you still think of me too.
i wish it's that easy to understand
why these things happen to you and me.
i wish i have half the courage that you have.
i wish i stood by your side.
i wish i did not believe you when you were shooing me away.
i wish... in some other life time.

ps: sira uli yung electric fan ko... pero wala ka na eh :(

Sucks to be :(

been caught up doing things far out different from what you wanted?
not being able to say or do the perfect things at the right time?
worse, not being able to say or do the perfect things at all?

for once in my life i really wanted to be well...that.
but it's hard to coordinate every piece of me and focus my energy to something.
it freaks me out.
i wish i could be sweet.

or that girl...
i wish i could be that normal boring girl sometimes...

oh but i am not.
my bestfriend told me i should accept that.
i am not simple.

i am complex
too complex sometimes i can't even figure my self out.
in my head this is normal.
wanting something but not too much
needing something and needing it bad
but not show how much i'll beg to have it.
i don't beg. is that bad?
when people walk out on me
i don't stop them..that wrong?
when what i need is not available,
i learn not to need it.

like something soo bad but not too much
confusing people when things are getting out of hand...
or so i think.

shit.

im not a mess.
i know that for a fact.
but i am not stable.
at least not my head.

or am i?

i'll give you a chocolate if you understand me.

sedate me.

still chasing happy

doubts drown
take off that frown
live the day
take what you can
open your hands
but don't wear your heart on your sleeve

i just hope
the day comes
someone will see me through
more than my smile
more than the noise i make

i pray there'll be nothing more to fear
that each morning is something to look forward to